Blurred Lines….

Is it just me or is online dating getting harder? I feel like I’m pulling teeth right now just to get a conversation flowing with someone.

Sherlock has dropped off the face of the textual universe. I mean I can see he’s been online but not messaging me I’m not going to chase it. The ball is in his court… he ghosts me any longer it can bloody stay there! I’m sure someone else has come along which is fine but good gay god just tell me that. We went from all day messages to nothing! Like why?! For my own sanity I need to make sure I don’t keep getting too invested prior to meeting as I’m going to start struggling to come up with blogging aliases for these assholes!

Perhaps I’m missing some male perspective to dating? In fact now I think about it I miss having anyone to talk to about dating. My friends are all married or in long term relationships. It used to be fun telling them about my antics but now it’s just getting embarrassing. Wedding season is around the corner and I have become the friend that doesn’t get a plus one and is put on the single table. Next to the “perfect for you” guy who is likely to get on my tits in the metaphorical unfun way… its painful.

In more positive sexy news…Big Daddy and I are in a FWB agreement, my loins are very happy about this! He has vocalised that he can’t commit time to me, his children are his top priority, I wouldn’t expect anything less. His living situation is far from ideal and it’s only a matter of time before it becomes an issue.. for him or his ex, it wouldn’t be right to either of us to try to be in a relationship. It would be destined to fail.

A FWB set up is probably the best thing for me right now. It gives me time to lick my wounds, gives me the comfort of not feeling completely alone and also stops me from being a textual slut with any new matches, it’s something I am working on as it’s not sending the right message. I’m getting my kicks from an Adonis who is a wizard with his tongue… my sexual needs are very much being met so therefore I’m less like a bitch on heat!

BD has said that ideally he would like to meet at least once a week if not more… I told him that a fixed schedule makes me feel a little uncomfortable. Like… Yoga on Mondays… Boxing on Tuesdays… sex with BD on Wednesdays… it’s just not my style. I would also get bored. Routine makes me restless! He told me that being a parent routine is a big part but he understood and that we could just go a little more with the flow.

Now you would think that this would make things clear and defined… we know exactly where things are!

Ha have you read my insane ramblings before?! Of course there are blurred lines! However for once it’s not me!…..It’s not me! It’s him!

For example, the emotional lines are blurred, he text me to say he was not looking for anyone else and he was “enjoying this thing with us”. I am not sure if he was fishing for me to say the same. The comment was pretty out of the blue and I assume a little alcohol was involved. If he was fishing I didn’t take the bait, we were clear that this was an open arrangement. He’s since said the same things a couple more times. I have said that I could see how his busy schedule to make it difficult to continue dating. Ok I could of said “ok but just to remind you I am still dating”. But I didn’t I’m going to have to do this face to face.

The second example is he has spent the whole of last week messaging me that he missed me, not just for sex but my company (I shit you not! He literally said that) it all caught me a little off guard. He told me all he could think about being with me… asked if we could spend some “normal time together” at the cinema or to get food… he even mentioned a trip away in Europe. I said some time outside of the bedroom would be nice. We get on amazingly so of course I would want to spend time just hanging out.

He then joked that he had to stop as he was sounding too “relationshippy” but he would keep reverting back to saying how much he wants to be with me. I’m putting this all down to the honeymoon stage of the whole thing. Or perhaps my nonchalant attitude is making him more keen… who knows?!

I know that things with him are not long term. I also can understand why he said he wasn’t into seeing other people, he’s into a pretty cushty set up. He has regular sex with no commitment and I am putting zero pressure on him. I need to remind him that I am still actively seeking someone to be in a committed relationship with. I’m not prepared to be a scheduled fuck forever.

I’m just not sure how long it is until something does become an issue and the house of cards crashes. Something has to give, how long until someone gets jealous? And more to the point who will buckle first?! Me…. him… his ex? Place your bets now!

So back to the swiping front as already ranted Sherlock is AWOL, things with The Good Guy are pretty stale. I have two others “regulars” I’m chatting to but I’m not going to go into much until there’s a date or something worth writing about!

Im getting annoyed that the men sliding all up in my DMs are dull I doubt will come to anything. Some have been painfully dull talking to. One word answers, horrific spelling, sexual innuendos… Is this the lull before valentines or am I being more critical of my matches?

Maid me cry – The end of Captain America

This is the post I have been dreading. It’s the moment that I started to realise that things with Captain America were not what I had thought. A heads up although I am trying to make more light of this than it actually was I doubt it will be as light hearted as my posts normally are.

So finally my wait was over and Captain America was back. To start with it was a honeymoon period, of course it was he has been deployed and had only his hand for entertainment over the past few months!

Then cracks started to show. First off he couldn’t tell me anything, how long did he want to stay for? What was he planning on doing? He was struggling with his next step in his career, he had hit a cross roads and he couldn’t seem to get out of it.

I would leave for work in the morning to come back and see that he hadn’t done anything. I know he was researching but when I asked how things were going he never seemed to of made and progress. As a person who leaps before looking in most of my life decisions I found this to be baffling!

But hey I was at work so I honestly didn’t care what he got up to when I was out! He deserved to relax. What I did start to struggle with was his dependancy on me looking after him. I didn’t ask for anything while he was staying, perhaps I was naive in assuming that he would do what I would of done and helped out with a few things round the house. Nip to the shops to get bits in for dinner. Push the hoover around, wash up.

He didn’t, perhaps he felt that would of been intrusive… I don’t know I am sure if I asked him to he would of done it but I didn’t want to ask. I didn’t want him to feel he needed to… I wanted him to want to help. I opened up my home to him and I was starting to feel more like a maid than a lover. I would come home from work and then cook dinner for the both of us. I’d then wash up from dinner. And he would just let me. Again I didn’t ask so more fool me.

Now I am operating from a point of hindsight here and at the time I am sure it didn’t bother me as much as thinking about it now does. What started to upset me was he didn’t want to spend time with me. I’m a social person and my friends were keen to meet him. But he just wasn’t interested. He would insist I went out and that he was going to continue with his research…. it was hurting my feelings that he just didn’t seem interested in me.

My increase in home cooking to every night then caused me to put on weight (I went up a dress size!) he was a super fussy eater and seemed to have a hatred with any vegetable that didnt come out of a can. And to make things worse his sex drive was non existent. After a week it seemed the novelty of having sex had worn off for him and I really did just become his maid. I’m sure you would of picked up on the fact I enjoy sex, I especially enjoyed sex with him… after a month I was lucky to get a hug. He would ask me to scratch his arm or his back at night but that was the most action I would get… being a bloody body scratchier.

My anxiety and self doubt started to creep back in. I started to feel used… again I said nothing. I pretended things were fine and just continued to mother my newly adopted man child. That was until I met with my friend an ex co-worked which was when the nail finally hit the coffin.

My friend and I met for a couple of drinks with another friend. Now there was something off from the start. She kept saying “your not the relationship type” or pointing out that as an Aries I am too strong willed and easily bored to maintain a long term relationship. It was random but i just chalked it down to her having one too many vinos.

I offered her to stay at my place as she was too pickled to drive and she needed her car in the morning so a taxi would be a hassle. We settled down to watch a film with CA who had decided to play catch up and drank a few whiskeys. Now it doesn’t take a Sherlock to work this one out, Im sure you all can see where this is going. I could too that night, I didn’t want to believe it but I decided to go to bed and then I couldn’t hear anything… I knew what was going on.

I walked through to the living room to find them kissing.

So I did what any natural avoider would do…. I called them both assholes and went to bed.

My “friend” and I haven’t talked since. I was more hurt by her actions as I feel like she did it on purpose. I spoke with my other friend who had been with us in the early start of the evening and she agreed that there was something certainly off with her behavior. I dont need friends like that in my life. I do hope that she finds what she is looking for.. just hopefully its someone whose single…

The next day CA tried to give me a pile of cash, I could of slapped him there and then… I didn’t. I told him to leave me be and that I would get over it.

I didn’t, he actually stayed with me for a further two weeks because I’m such a doormat. We didn’t mention it again, until he left for the USA and I messaged him after spending an hour or so writing it. Was sending the message even worth it

When he left I told him what his actions had done and how they made me feel. He apologised and said things were fucked up in his head, he didn’t know where his life was going…. its him not me

So yeah that all sucked… I cried… I reenacted the all by myself scene from Bridget Jones… And then I got over it… and now I am spending alot of time under Big Daddy!

Big Daddy – Friends with Benefits

As promised in my last post I was going to give a bit more of the inside scoop of my most regular squeeze, Big Daddy! At a risk of making him sound like a pornstar I have given him this name because he has three kids and hes built like some sort of Adonis at over 6ft and ripped he is an orgasm for the eyes!

Back in November I reactivated my bumble account. It had been a hard month and emotionally I was broken from the whole debacle with Captain America. I had planned to dip my toe back in and just see what was out there. I didn’t want to be jumping back in and not being ready. I was fragile so the risk of me patching into the first match was high. I didn’t want to risk it!

Big daddy was one of my first matches, I remember seeing one of his profile pictures which was him in a tight black shirt and I remember thinking….. Phwoah! In fact I swore at the phone!

He is great at messaging and was very keen to arrange a date. Unfortunately the fact it was mid November and the chaos of Christmas was kicking in getting a date planned proved nothing short of a nightmare!

The first date I had to cancel due to work and then the following date I had to cancel due to my sister having a surprise visit to London and wanting to meet up… chicks before dicks and all that!

He wasn’t happy but he wasn’t angry. After my second cancellation, I was worried he would get fed up and ditch me but he didn’t. I was pleased I really didn’t want him to stop talking to me as he really did make my day when we chatted. He was just so easy to get on with!

Finally date night came. I was really nervous, my last date was a year ago with Science Guy, my confirnece was gone and I will admit I was still licking my wounds from CA.

We decided to meet in a popular high street restaurant in the town he works in. He hadn’t bothered to travel home after work and had opted to bring a change of clothes with him and wait, I was running late from work so had to message saying I was going to be late, he was fine about it but wanted to confirm I was still actually going to show, I couldn’t blame him I had cancelled twice!

In the end I arrived only 15 mins late to find him waiting outside the restaurant. I’m only 5ft 4 so I spend alot of my time looking up at people!

We headed into the restaurant and like that the we were chatting away. I haven’t laughed so much on a date before! It was like we were old friends catching up. Our personalities just clicked, we have the same sense of humor and spent most of the date joking with one another and picking on each other. So much so the waiter came over and told us a table had complained about the noise we were making… when they were paying the bill?! Who does that?!

Now there are some HUGE red flags with BD which is why he is refereed to by me as my current squeeze and why its unlikely he is ever going to move into Boyfriend status.

• He’s still married and only separated back in June.
• He still lives in the house that he shares with his wife and the kids.
• He doesn’t want to have any more kids – He has three already
• He doesn’t want to marry again.

The latter two are hardly deal breakers but I was taken aback to hear that he still lived with his wife and that they had only recently split. He had told me that I was his second date and the first one this revelation had gone down like a lead balloon. I pointed out that its a little strange to deal with and suggested he should mention this to people before the first date, I mean its not that far fetched to assume that they might get back together.

After our meal we had a walk to see if we could grab a drink elsewhere but everywhere seemed to be closing up for the night so we decided to call it a night and he waited for me to book my uber. When the car arrived it was a little awkward, we had a light peck on the lips and parted ways.

He messaged 10 minutes after we parted ways to say that he had fun and wanted to do something again soon. And we did.

Our next date was in my hometown where we went for an Italian. Again it was an evening of laughter. We decided against going elsewhere after and just headed back to my place, chatting on the sofa quickly moved to the bedroom… things were extremely steamy. Hes very dominant and because hes so much bigger than me he completely over powers me. At one point he had me pinned down to the bed with his head between my legs I swear I nearly passed out! I used to be in awe with how long CA could last in the bedroom but BD is like a bloody Duracell bunny, he just doesn’t stop!

I lost count of the number of times we had sex, I was drunk on orgasms by the time we eventually drifted off to sleep. In the morning I woke to him spooning me and the rest of the morning was sex filled until we reluctantly got up to go have brunch.

That was exactly a month ago and we have spoken everyday either via text or he will call me. Due to scheduling we haven’t seen one another as often as we would like, only the three times one of which was a lunchtime quickie where we both snuck off work to have sex. I was far less productive afterwards!

So although I had my heart broken in 2019, at least it ended with my vagina being happy again!

Let’s get ready to bumble….

I know I haven’t finished the whole story with Captain America just yet, and I will give you all the deets of that car crash in the coming days. I just feel like it would be worth letting you lovely folks know who’s currently sliding all up in my DMs!

So it’s THE WORST time of year to be a female dater. Valentine’s Day is just around the corner – (sigh) that takes me back to that very hot night with CA! – it seems most of the men are in hiding. Well that’s what I’m telling myself anyway!

But I am quite fortunate to have three hotties getting all up in my inbox! Ok one has actually got into my box. The other two still need to get out of my inbox and into a date!

So here’s Bachelor number one!

The Good Guy
The sweetest of the three. He’s got a child and he comes across really caring and I will be honest he doesn’t get me wildly excited when his name flashes up on my phone. I feel a bit meh… but I am a rubbish judge of character and I am not going to allow my past piss poor judgement get in the way of someone because I think they are “too nice” if anything I’m too bloody nice and I deserve someone who is going to treat me nice rather than some sort of sex doll…. OK I still want the latter but I also want the nice bit!

Sherlock
Yes i got myself another uniform! Ok so he’s a detective so doesn’t wear the uniform but he gets to play with hand cuffs! Unlike xxx Sherlock does get me excited when I see his name pop up on my phone. He’s funny, cheeky and FIT! I got a little pickled the other night and stupidly got a textual with him… but I now have seen exactly what he is packing and man he’s packing some heat! The downside is he works a lot so replies are sporadic. He asked to meet me this week but I have my brother visiting

Big Daddy
The man currently keeping my needs met and my god his body…. just thinking about it gets me hot under the collar.
We have been out for dinner twice and had a couple of hook ups… I thought CA was good at long sessions but BD has him beat. He will get his very own post about our encounters as I have alot to tell! In fact my body still aches from last night…. and this morning… and this afternoon!

Right now I am currently using the following apps – Bumble (my go to), Tinder, Hinge and yesterday I signed up to Seeking Arrangements.
The latter I think will help me with being a bit more outspoken for my needs, my experience with CA highlighted that I am a bit of a doormat and am very British in my ways of expressing my feelings… I suppress them! The people who I have interacted with so far have been open and honest and straight to the point and i have returned the favor by doing just that, its actually pretty refreshing!

So there it is, the Single Girl Swiping is back to swiping and hopefully dating! As I have already said I will be posting some of the things that happened during my MIA hiatus, but hopefully I will be able to get back to dates, hopefully not too many bad ones this time!

Captain America Returns – With a Pussy Pump

Anyone who has followed my blog will know all about Captain America, no not the marvel super hero, but my very own master of the boudoir American Soldier. I have a bit of a thing for men in uniform, which is odd considering when I see a particularly good looking one all I can think about is how to get them out of it!

The summer of 2018 was going great and then it all fell apart my captain was being deployed and was going to be away for the best part of a year. We left things not knowing what would happen, I had decided I was going to carry on dating, we hadn’t had the “relationship talk” and it was just simply too early to commit to anything.

Now he was going off to the middle east, there is zero entertainment and its pretty lonely. So naturally we spoke everyday via text, in fact we most likely spoke more than we ever did, and I became a bit of a pro at taking naughty selfies! – Like there is an angle and lighting to consider, I am now able to contort into the most flattering and frankly sexy poses! Getting hot and heavy messages was something we each looked forward to and encouraged from one another.
As things moved on I drifted away from dating, I deleted my bumble account, I stopped talking to the few who were still popping into my whatsapp… I basically just started waiting for his return. In my head I was thinking of our future together and found myself in a long distance relationship with someone who…

1 – I hadn’t actually had “The Talk” with yet.
2 – Was only messaging me and never once did we video call, or even phone one another…
3 – Hadn’t even said if he were coming back to the UK.

Yeah I’m fucking NUTS! Want to know the real kicker?! I’ve been going through my old posts and when I read textually monogamous I actually gasped… I was boasting about how much of a chilled person I was, how I had discovered that I shouldn’t put all my unfertilized eggs into one basket!
Yet there I was right back into my old ways… in fact I don’t think I ever stepped out of them in the first place! I should never of stepped back from blogging, I might of had time to reflect on things and perhaps I would of saved myself from the heartbreak and tears that I suffered at the end of 2019.

In My defense he did say he missed me…. Okay he said me missed fucking me. Although we did touch on life topics my new found 2020 vision – badda-boom-tissssssh – I can now see that all we really did was talk about sex, send nudes and well talk about sex…

My 2019 relationship status went from “Single and ready to mingle” to “Waiting”… waiting for him to message, waiting for him to reply, waiting for him, to return… its was a very dry time!
Now don’t get me wrong there were some benefits! My social life blossomed, I wasn’t spending my free evenings dating random men or getting my organs battered by The Body so my friendship circle grew, my calendar was filled with drinks, meals and trips with friends.
The fact CA wasn’t there only bothered me when I was home alone at night… vibrator in one hand and glass of wine in the other and distaste for any “happy couple” that appeared on the movie or tv show I was binge watching. It was only then I felt that I was missing out…. I would neck my wine and crank that rabbit up to exorcist head spinning levels…. Once I was done go straight back to my waiting status!
Who needs a man when you have a trusty rabbit and a good bottle of plonk?!

Now I will admit that it wasn’t just my naught rabbit that kept my proverbial itch scratched. I did have a couple of tumbles in the sheets with a few people. None of which I cared to have any sort of relationship with… I will throw in a separate post about those nights because sharing is caring and whats this blog without a bit of debauchery?!

Finally in August my wait was finally over and my Captain America was back on British soil. Whats more he was coming to stay with me… I was excited, nervous and down right bloody gagging for it!

The first night he was back was hot, exactly what we had been talking about for months. The poppers were back, my restraints were out… a pussy pump* was even involved….

*I personally have no idea why this is something that even exists but if you want to feel super awkward and have your vagina sucked into a cup so it looks – and I quote – “plump and engorged” – then this is for you. If not then I would avoid or do as I do and hit a bottle of wine so your field of fucks is baron of embarrassment!

The sex was amazing and whats more it was on tap! I honestly thought that things were going to move forward with us… I finally had a boyfriend….or did I?

The sound of silence – Hump and Dump

After my “date” with The Body on Tuesday and my drinks with Science guy on the Wednesday I hadn’t made any plans to do anything over the weekend I needed to work over the so needed to be sure I wasn’t burning the proverbial candle at both ends.

Science guy had already asked me out on the Sunday as we said goodbye on our date, I had told him to check in with me as I really didn’t know how I was going to feel by then and didn’t want to be too tired to be interesting or fun to be around. Sleepy me goes one of two ways… pathetic and child like or mega bitch! He didn’t need to see either of those sides to me!

Captain America was on radio silence as he was heading out to base… I really miss just being able to talk to him. I thought as time went on it would get easier but it isn’t. It was one thing not having him around but the not being able to talk at all was a new level of shite.

The body has also slowed down his messages, I wasn’t surprised. Admittedly I was pissed but not upset. I think it highlighted where I am in terms of how I feel about him. He’s hot, fun to be around but I don’t think anything serious could ever develop between us. That didn’t stop me arranging round two for the Friday night mean who the hell wouldn’t want to recreate that?!

During work on the Friday he messaged confirming times along with a few cheeky messages which had me feeling pretty flustered. I was getting sex flashbacks and considering we were only together for an hour I have been pretty impressed!

Then Friday night came and went… not a word. By 10pm I had gone to bed, I was annoyed. Not a message or anything to say he wasn’t going to be able to make it.

Saturday came… and went and still nothing. I had passed the point of being pissed off and I was now feeling shit. I felt every one of my many many flaws bubble up to the surface of my brain and pop a wave of self loathing and embarrassment.

My assistant picked up on my change of personality and pushed me to tell her what was wrong. So telling her she pointed out I could just message him.

She was right, the likelihood is that he probably went out and got drinks afterwork and then got pissed. Out plans were not until late so it was a possibility. A shit one but better than he was physically revolted by the idea of my body which was my take on it.

So I messaged him. I didn’t mention the fact he was a MIA I just checked in to say hi.

I got a reply pretty quickly with an apology and that he had been at his mums. I’m not sure what that had to do with anything, perhaps he wanted me to pry, perhaps he thought that it was a clear reason… who the hell knows. I said not to worry and then left it.

I am still pissed off, I wouldn’t care if he had cancelled but the no contact was just a bit wanky.

The pro dater – my first date with science guy

The evening after my sexy visit from The Body I had a first date with Science Guy. You won’t recognise his name as although he was one of the guys who was in the mix when I first got into dating he was heading away on a trip so didn’t get a mention. It’s quiet fortunate really as the majority of the guys… no wait all of them have since disappeared into some sorting of vortex!

Science guy is in his early 30s and some sort of dating ninja. He has me a bit taken aback by how he dealt with our contact prior to meeting.

• When he first messaged me after matching it took about three messages before he said he wanted to confirm a date.
• Upon realising he had a pending trip he suggested a reschedule, he was very clear that this was a suggestion and if I wanted to keep the date then he would be happy to and he was only mentioning it as he didn’t want to focus on anything but our time tougher.
• When getting back he messaged me asking to confirm the date with a couple of suggestions as to when he was free.
• Once the date was confirmed he checked in daily but kept the messaging and the context to a minimum citing that things are more fun shared in person.

The guy is so to the point I was completely at ease in the hours before our date. He just gives off he aura that he wouldn’t mess anyone around, what you see is what you get. I liked it, why the hell doesn’t everyone do this? Myself included! Life would be so much easier if it was this simple!

We arranged to meet in a pub in my town, it was a five min walk from my place so I told him to let me know when he was there and I would walk round. He asked me what I would like to drink… granted it was the morning so I was t able

As agreeed he messaged me when he had parked up next to the pub and I headed up the road to meet him. When I was just around the corner he messaged again to warn me a quiz was going on.

What the hell is it with my town and bloody quizzes?!

I walked in and recognised him straight away. He was cute in a geeky sort of way with tall and athletic build. He looked just like his photos too which is always a relief!

Due to the noise and my bad looser attitude in the highly likely chance that we wouldn’t win the quiz if we took part we decided to head elsewhere. Annoyingly that elsewhere was my regular haunt. Yes I could of suggested elsewhere however he suggested going there while mentioning it was one of his favourite haunts.

We found a quiet corner and settled down to drink and chat. Talking to him was super easy. He had a sense of humor which was self deprecating which was cute and he also had the cojones to poke fun at me which was oddly relaxing.

The date went really well. We pretty much laughed the whole time and didn’t even notice when it was kicking out time.

The dreaded goodnight was in its usual form awkward hug, no kiss but this time there wasn’t the standard “we should do this again sometime” he straight out asked me for another date there and then. I wasn’t able to confirm anything just then so promised to get back to him.

Why can’t all dates be this simple?!

So in comparison to my date the night before it was a tame but fun night!

Gone in 60 minutes…

A week after my first date with The Body we finally had the chance to meet up again. I have had a lot running through my mind with the whole dating life and I’m still not completely adjusted to life without captain America. I had started to slow down my communications with The Body because I felt like I wasn’t clear in my head on how I want the next few months to play out.

I will admit I stalled on seeing him because I frankly I didn’t know what to think of him. It wasn’t until I spoke to my mum that I realised I was being unfair to him. He has been so keen in keeping in touch and arranging a second date I had been harsh and judgemental on him all because I felt inferior to him.

We arranged to have drinks at a bar close to my place. It was during the week and unlike me he had a very early start in the morning. He gets up at like 5am, I can’t think of anything worse! I struggle to get to work for 9am on days I work from home!

I was excited and keen to see if I was presumptuous in my original post about our first date, was it nerves that made him a little more ballsy and arrogant or is that who he is?

That evening messaged me to tell the that the trains were a mess. Being the uk this is an understatement, the trains are bloody awful! I feel for anyone who has to commute! But I was now feeling annoyed that once again we were going to be rescheduling seeing on another. It seems it’s ok when I’m the on doing the cancelling but if it’s me getting cancelled I pretty much sulk like a child.

Of course I would never dream of letting that side of crazy out, I save that for you guys and my besties to roll their eyes over! So I replied saying that we could rain check and joked how it will be a while til we see one another. You know because I super cute, laid back and light hearted!

He replied back immediately saying that he would still like to see me and asked if we could push our meet time back.

Yes, I did. I had held off plans so I could see him and I wasn’t prepared to waste a night being on my own. I also didn’t want to be out late. I become a bit of a hermit at this time if the year the cold and the dark really messes with my head. So I either need to be out the house by 8:30 or I just want to be on the sofa with wine and a blanket.

My inner harlot obviously took the reins on this decision as it’s just not really my normal style…

I suggested he come to my place. He loved the idea and replied saying that it would be better as he has to get up early so wouldn’t be out long anyway. Perfect.

He didn’t get to mine until after 9pm which would of been fine except he had already said needed to be home by 10:30 at the latest….

I’m sure you guys have guessed where this is going. It was going to lead to this the moment he messaged me after our first date….

As soon as he walked through the door we were all over each other. I full on caveman style dragged him through to the bedroom. Clothes were pulled off… it was pretty hot, neigh it was fucking amazing.

His strength and height was such a turn on, he literally picked me up and flung me on the bed. Grabbing my arms he was able to hold me in place as he went down on me… Good god it was intense! My back arched so much I swear I heard it click. I was actually to a point where if he didn’t penetrate me soon I was going to get violent, I was at the point of being needing it so bad it was actually painful!

When he finally listened to my please he let go of my wrists for a split second before he pulled himself ontop of me and had them pinned down above my head.

My body was screaming by now, I wanted nothing more than to wrap my arms around him and run my nails down is back.

It was hard, it was fast, it was animalistic. Now I’m not a fan of him being ontop in this situation, I prefer to have a bit of spend control but my head was drunk with the million nerve ending that were now on fire and my legs were not playing game, I had pretty much lost use of most the muscles in my body. There was something so sexy about the way he dominated me, how he had one hand pinning down my wrist and the other pulling my hips up towards him, I was completely lost in the whole moment. It was hot, raw, passionate sex.

Annoyingly giving him this level of speed control resulted in things coming to an end as quickly as they heated up! I think we were both as shocked as one another at this, I didn’t want it to end but then I don’t think my nervous system would of coped for much longer.

We laid still for a moment just panting, as my senses slowly came back to me I realised we had actually spoken a word to one another with exception to my “hey you” as I answered the door.

So he walked through the door at 9pm and he was gone by 10….

One of the hottest hours of my life.

The other woman – I need help.

I’ve entered an new level of crazy. I somehow accidentally… and I do mean accidentally managed to find Captain America’s ex wife on social media.

I then spend a good couple of hours online stalking and now I feel awful, heck I even feel a bit dirty!

Ok so your most likely thinking how can you accidentally find someone online? So allow me to try to explain how I found myself on the crazy ass path of bunny boiler.

I was in the office chatting to my team. My office is predominantly women and we tend to find that most of our conversations surround sex, men and horoscopes. Cliche I know but it’s something that entertains us for hours!

My assistant has just joined bumble and although there is a good 15 yeas difference in our ages her parameters in terms of age range cross over mine by 7 years (my ages are from 30 to 42, she has gone from 35 to 55. We were comparing people and having a bit of a giggle about he possibility of us matching with the same person. In theory this could be possible. I am a paid member of bumble, I find aimlessly swiping to be a bit depressing, having the option to select from people who have already liked you is more suited to my ego. My assistant on the other hand proudly declares “I’ve gone this long without paying for it, I ain’t gonna start now”. She also loves the swiping aspect, something I personally loath!

Anyway I was explaining how easy it is to dig dirt on someone online, I used CA as an example as I often take the piss on how funny he is about personnel information ñ (he shreds his name and address off cardboard boxes from amazon). Someone as careful as him should be hard to find online.

Wrong! With his email address I was able to pull up his Facebook page, then dive into his family stuff, it was super simple. While showing my assistant she pointed out a name that was linked to his email address, it was above the suggested line… it was a womans name.

So I clicked on it…

And that is how I found his ex wife, her twitter and her Instagram. I haven’t gone as far as looking at her Facebook and I am going to refrain from doing so. Twitter and instagram are very public domains, they encourage strangers to look and follow each other. So at first I didn’t feel so bad.

But now I feel crazy, I mean who does that? It hasn’t come from a place of jealousy, I’m in now way threatened or anything by her. I’m intrigued, he had told me stuff (nothing nasty… more odd) about her and this was not the image I was getting from her social media. It made me curious and now I feel like I have overstepped some invisible unspoken line that shouldn’t be crossed.

I voiced this to my assistant who pointed out I hadn’t gone looking for her and most people would succumb to the temptation of having a look if they had half the chance. She asked how I would feel if I found that CA had snooped on my past and honestly, I wouldn’t mind. I’ve been open about my past, I’m just not very open about feelings.

I still can’t help feeling bad…

Stripping the body – I knew It Armor

I feel I may of been unfair on The Body in my post about our date.

My superficial ways combined with my insecurities turned me into a bit of a shallow bitch and I seemed to of projected this onto The Body.

I basically penalised him for having great looks, a good job and an amazing body. He made me feel unworthy, like someone that good looking wouldn’t take a second glance at someone like me.

I did something that I had suggested another blogger had been doing to themselves and I’m so bloody moronic I didn’t see it until my own mother pointed it out to me. I’ve been loading up with “I knew it Armour” just to down play any embarrassment or hurt if I was or am blown off.

I was telling my mum about the date and how he was a typical banker and a bit arrogant she said she was surprised I didn’t just walk out. Being my mother she knows I have a low tolerance for people who see themselves above others, I joked that I was blinded by his beauty and his abs were like a moth to a flame. She pointed out that The Vegan was just as good looking and I had walked out when I found him to be a bit of an arse.

So after a bit of a rethink I have decided I need to say more about the positives of my date with The Body as I seemed to of been a bit unfair.

1. He was overly concerned that I didn’t eat. Obviously now looking back for me to outright refuse food might of looked like I wasn’t interested nor was I planning on staying. It was a bit rude of me too Ashe did say he wanted to go there for food so I should really of said something before hand.
2. When talking about the gym and how I hate it when you start up again as it makes me feel so unfit he offered to take me and help me with a plan. This was done in a non wanky way, he seemed genuinely keen to help me. The gym is clearly a passion of his and it was sweet to encourage me.
3. His story about being catfished by the girl who was “bigger” than her photos he revealed that he used to be extremely over weight. The idea that someone had assumed him to be that shallow to judge someone on weight did seem to upset him.
4. He made some inappropriate jokes and comments, I chalked it down to arrogance but really if I think about it, I’m prone to doing this when I’m nervous. He admitted he hasn’t dated a lot so perhaps i should give some slack on this one. (Also I love inappropriate things!)
5. He messaged me that same night asking me out and has messaged me everyday since.

So I’m not saying he isn’t arrogant but I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt and not just mark him off as some wanker banker.

I need to remember that I do project a bit of promiscuity when I am talking to people, I need to work on toning that down. I mean I can hardly complain about something that I am in some way encouraging. In fact I can’t lie and have to admit I essentially have been doing the exact same thing to him.

Although I will stand by my hunch that I do think the body is more interested in a FWB situation… And right now I’m ok with that.