The sound of silence – Hump and Dump

After my “date” with The Body on Tuesday and my drinks with Science guy on the Wednesday I hadn’t made any plans to do anything over the weekend I needed to work over the so needed to be sure I wasn’t burning the proverbial candle at both ends.

Science guy had already asked me out on the Sunday as we said goodbye on our date, I had told him to check in with me as I really didn’t know how I was going to feel by then and didn’t want to be too tired to be interesting or fun to be around. Sleepy me goes one of two ways… pathetic and child like or mega bitch! He didn’t need to see either of those sides to me!

Captain America was on radio silence as he was heading out to base… I really miss just being able to talk to him. I thought as time went on it would get easier but it isn’t. It was one thing not having him around but the not being able to talk at all was a new level of shite.

The body has also slowed down his messages, I wasn’t surprised. Admittedly I was pissed but not upset. I think it highlighted where I am in terms of how I feel about him. He’s hot, fun to be around but I don’t think anything serious could ever develop between us. That didn’t stop me arranging round two for the Friday night mean who the hell wouldn’t want to recreate that?!

During work on the Friday he messaged confirming times along with a few cheeky messages which had me feeling pretty flustered. I was getting sex flashbacks and considering we were only together for an hour I have been pretty impressed!

Then Friday night came and went… not a word. By 10pm I had gone to bed, I was annoyed. Not a message or anything to say he wasn’t going to be able to make it.

Saturday came… and went and still nothing. I had passed the point of being pissed off and I was now feeling shit. I felt every one of my many many flaws bubble up to the surface of my brain and pop a wave of self loathing and embarrassment.

My assistant picked up on my change of personality and pushed me to tell her what was wrong. So telling her she pointed out I could just message him.

She was right, the likelihood is that he probably went out and got drinks afterwork and then got pissed. Out plans were not until late so it was a possibility. A shit one but better than he was physically revolted by the idea of my body which was my take on it.

So I messaged him. I didn’t mention the fact he was a MIA I just checked in to say hi.

I got a reply pretty quickly with an apology and that he had been at his mums. I’m not sure what that had to do with anything, perhaps he wanted me to pry, perhaps he thought that it was a clear reason… who the hell knows. I said not to worry and then left it.

I am still pissed off, I wouldn’t care if he had cancelled but the no contact was just a bit wanky.


The pro dater – my first date with science guy

The evening after my sexy visit from The Body I had a first date with Science Guy. You won’t recognise his name as although he was one of the guys who was in the mix when I first got into dating he was heading away on a trip so didn’t get a mention. It’s quiet fortunate really as the majority of the guys… no wait all of them have since disappeared into some sorting of vortex!

Science guy is in his early 30s and some sort of dating ninja. He has me a bit taken aback by how he dealt with our contact prior to meeting.

  • When he first messaged me after matching it took about three messages before he said he wanted to confirm a date.
  • Upon realising he had a pending trip he suggested a reschedule, he was very clear that this was a suggestion and if I wanted to keep the date then he would be happy to and he was only mentioning it as he didn’t want to focus on anything but our time tougher.
  • When getting back he messaged me asking to confirm the date with a couple of suggestions as to when he was free.
  • Once the date was confirmed he checked in daily but kept the messaging and the context to a minimum citing that things are more fun shared in person.

The guy is so to the point I was completely at ease in the hours before our date. He just gives off he aura that he wouldn’t mess anyone around, what you see is what you get. I liked it, why the hell doesn’t everyone do this? Myself included! Life would be so much easier if it was this simple!

We arranged to meet in a pub in my town, it was a five min walk from my place so I told him to let me know when he was there and I would walk round. He asked me what I would like to drink… granted it was the morning so I was t able

As agreeed he messaged me when he had parked up next to the pub and I headed up the road to meet him. When I was just around the corner he messaged again to warn me a quiz was going on.

What the hell is it with my town and bloody quizzes?!

I walked in and recognised him straight away. He was cute in a geeky sort of way with tall and athletic build. He looked just like his photos too which is always a relief!

Due to the noise and my bad looser attitude in the highly likely chance that we wouldn’t win the quiz if we took part we decided to head elsewhere. Annoyingly that elsewhere was my regular haunt. Yes I could of suggested elsewhere however he suggested going there while mentioning it was one of his favourite haunts.

We found a quiet corner and settled down to drink and chat. Talking to him was super easy. He had a sense of humor which was self deprecating which was cute and he also had the cojones to poke fun at me which was oddly relaxing.

The date went really well. We pretty much laughed the whole time and didn’t even notice when it was kicking out time.

The dreaded goodnight was in its usual form awkward hug, no kiss but this time there wasn’t the standard “we should do this again sometime” he straight out asked me for another date there and then. I wasn’t able to confirm anything just then so promised to get back to him.

Why can’t all dates be this simple?!

So in comparison to my date the night before it was a tame but fun night!

Gone in 60 minutes…

A week after my first date with The Body we finally had the chance to meet up again. I have had a lot running through my mind with the whole dating life and I’m still not completely adjusted to life without captain America. I had started to slow down my communications with The Body because I felt like I wasn’t clear in my head on how I want the next few months to play out.

I will admit I stalled on seeing him because I frankly I didn’t know what to think of him. It wasn’t until I spoke to my mum that I realised I was being unfair to him. He has been so keen in keeping in touch and arranging a second date I had been harsh and judgemental on him all because I felt inferior to him.

We arranged to have drinks at a bar close to my place. It was during the week and unlike me he had a very early start in the morning. He gets up at like 5am, I can’t think of anything worse! I struggle to get to work for 9am on days I work from home!

I was excited and keen to see if I was presumptuous in my original post about our first date, was it nerves that made him a little more ballsy and arrogant or is that who he is?

That evening messaged me to tell the that the trains were a mess. Being the uk this is an understatement, the trains are bloody awful! I feel for anyone who has to commute! But I was now feeling annoyed that once again we were going to be rescheduling seeing on another. It seems it’s ok when I’m the on doing the cancelling but if it’s me getting cancelled I pretty much sulk like a child.

Of course I would never dream of letting that side of crazy out, I save that for you guys and my besties to roll their eyes over! So I replied saying that we could rain check and joked how it will be a while til we see one another. You know because I super cute, laid back and light hearted!

He replied back immediately saying that he would still like to see me and asked if we could push our meet time back.

Yes, I did. I had held off plans so I could see him and I wasn’t prepared to waste a night being on my own. I also didn’t want to be out late. I become a bit of a hermit at this time if the year the cold and the dark really messes with my head. So I either need to be out the house by 8:30 or I just want to be on the sofa with wine and a blanket.

My inner harlot obviously took the reins on this decision as it’s just not really my normal style…

I suggested he come to my place. He loved the idea and replied saying that it would be better as he has to get up early so wouldn’t be out long anyway. Perfect.

He didn’t get to mine until after 9pm which would of been fine except he had already said needed to be home by 10:30 at the latest….

I’m sure you guys have guessed where this is going. It was going to lead to this the moment he messaged me after our first date….

As soon as he walked through the door we were all over each other. I full on caveman style dragged him through to the bedroom. Clothes were pulled off… it was pretty hot, neigh it was fucking amazing.

His strength and height was such a turn on, he literally picked me up and flung me on the bed. Grabbing my arms he was able to hold me in place as he went down on me… Good god it was intense! My back arched so much I swear I heard it click. I was actually to a point where if he didn’t penetrate me soon I was going to get violent, I was at the point of being needing it so bad it was actually painful!

When he finally listened to my please he let go of my wrists for a split second before he pulled himself ontop of me and had them pinned down above my head.

My body was screaming by now, I wanted nothing more than to wrap my arms around him and run my nails down is back.

It was hard, it was fast, it was animalistic. Now I’m not a fan of him being ontop in this situation, I prefer to have a bit of spend control but my head was drunk with the million nerve ending that were now on fire and my legs were not playing game, I had pretty much lost use of most the muscles in my body. There was something so sexy about the way he dominated me, how he had one hand pinning down my wrist and the other pulling my hips up towards him, I was completely lost in the whole moment. It was hot, raw, passionate sex.

Annoyingly giving him this level of speed control resulted in things coming to an end as quickly as they heated up! I think we were both as shocked as one another at this, I didn’t want it to end but then I don’t think my nervous system would of coped for much longer.

We laid still for a moment just panting, as my senses slowly came back to me I realised we had actually spoken a word to one another with exception to my “hey you” as I answered the door.

So he walked through the door at 9pm and he was gone by 10….

One of the hottest hours of my life.

The other woman – I need help.

I’ve entered an new level of crazy. I somehow accidentally… and I do mean accidentally managed to find Captain America’s ex wife on social media.

I then spend a good couple of hours online stalking and now I feel awful, heck I even feel a bit dirty!

Ok so your most likely thinking how can you accidentally find someone online? So allow me to try to explain how I found myself on the crazy ass path of bunny boiler.

I was in the office chatting to my team. My office is predominantly women and we tend to find that most of our conversations surround sex, men and horoscopes. Cliche I know but it’s something that entertains us for hours!

My assistant has just joined bumble and although there is a good 15 yeas difference in our ages her parameters in terms of age range cross over mine by 7 years (my ages are from 30 to 42, she has gone from 35 to 55. We were comparing people and having a bit of a giggle about he possibility of us matching with the same person. In theory this could be possible. I am a paid member of bumble, I find aimlessly swiping to be a bit depressing, having the option to select from people who have already liked you is more suited to my ego. My assistant on the other hand proudly declares “I’ve gone this long without paying for it, I ain’t gonna start now”. She also loves the swiping aspect, something I personally loath!

Anyway I was explaining how easy it is to dig dirt on someone online, I used CA as an example as I often take the piss on how funny he is about personnel information ñ (he shreds his name and address off cardboard boxes from amazon). Someone as careful as him should be hard to find online.

Wrong! With his email address I was able to pull up his Facebook page, then dive into his family stuff, it was super simple. While showing my assistant she pointed out a name that was linked to his email address, it was above the suggested line… it was a womans name.

So I clicked on it…

And that is how I found his ex wife, her twitter and her Instagram. I haven’t gone as far as looking at her Facebook and I am going to refrain from doing so. Twitter and instagram are very public domains, they encourage strangers to look and follow each other. So at first I didn’t feel so bad.

But now I feel crazy, I mean who does that? It hasn’t come from a place of jealousy, I’m in now way threatened or anything by her. I’m intrigued, he had told me stuff (nothing nasty… more odd) about her and this was not the image I was getting from her social media. It made me curious and now I feel like I have overstepped some invisible unspoken line that shouldn’t be crossed.

I voiced this to my assistant who pointed out I hadn’t gone looking for her and most people would succumb to the temptation of having a look if they had half the chance. She asked how I would feel if I found that CA had snooped on my past and honestly, I wouldn’t mind. I’ve been open about my past, I’m just not very open about feelings.

I still can’t help feeling bad…

Stripping the body – I knew It Armor

I feel I may of been unfair on The Body in my post about our date.

My superficial ways combined with my insecurities turned me into a bit of a shallow bitch and I seemed to of projected this onto The Body.

I basically penalised him for having great looks, a good job and an amazing body. He made me feel unworthy, like someone that good looking wouldn’t take a second glance at someone like me.

I did something that I had suggested another blogger had been doing to themselves and I’m so bloody moronic I didn’t see it until my own mother pointed it out to me. I’ve been loading up with “I knew it Armour” just to down play any embarrassment or hurt if I was or am blown off.

I was telling my mum about the date and how he was a typical banker and a bit arrogant she said she was surprised I didn’t just walk out. Being my mother she knows I have a low tolerance for people who see themselves above others, I joked that I was blinded by his beauty and his abs were like a moth to a flame. She pointed out that The Vegan was just as good looking and I had walked out when I found him to be a bit of an arse.

So after a bit of a rethink I have decided I need to say more about the positives of my date with The Body as I seemed to of been a bit unfair.

  1. He was overly concerned that I didn’t eat. Obviously now looking back for me to outright refuse food might of looked like I wasn’t interested nor was I planning on staying. It was a bit rude of me too Ashe did say he wanted to go there for food so I should really of said something before hand.
  2. When talking about the gym and how I hate it when you start up again as it makes me feel so unfit he offered to take me and help me with a plan. This was done in a non wanky way, he seemed genuinely keen to help me. The gym is clearly a passion of his and it was sweet to encourage me.
  3. His story about being catfished by the girl who was “bigger” than her photos he revealed that he used to be extremely over weight. The idea that someone had assumed him to be that shallow to judge someone on weight did seem to upset him.
  4. He made some inappropriate jokes and comments, I chalked it down to arrogance but really if I think about it, I’m prone to doing this when I’m nervous. He admitted he hasn’t dated a lot so perhaps i should give some slack on this one. (Also I love inappropriate things!)
  5. He messaged me that same night asking me out and has messaged me everyday since.

So I’m not saying he isn’t arrogant but I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt and not just mark him off as some wanker banker.

I need to remember that I do project a bit of promiscuity when I am talking to people, I need to work on toning that down. I mean I can hardly complain about something that I am in some way encouraging. In fact I can’t lie and have to admit I essentially have been doing the exact same thing to him.

Although I will stand by my hunch that I do think the body is more interested in a FWB situation… And right now I’m ok with that.

Oh Captain, my Captain!

I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting since my date with The Body. Things with CA are still messing with my head and I have been struggling to see if I am being a little too gung ho (emphasis on the ho!) with getting back on the dating scene.

In a bid to work things out I have been going back through some of my old posts. I find myself eye rolling and getting annoyed that I was being such a moany cow.

I also realised the following points… I’m sure you guys have noticed other things and please feel free to point them out to me!

  1. Looks really do matter to me. Someone’s height and weight is actually a big thing. It makes me feel so shallow but I can’t help it.
  2. I’m a little bit slutty…. it’s probably the wrong word, slutty is so negative and I’m not ashamed that I’m sexually inquisitive. But I am a little, just a tad frustrated with myself as I do think that I might paint the wrong image of myself. I love sex, I love the building of anticipation towards sex but perhaps I could reel back my textual promiscuity… just a tad!
  3. If I am upset or stressed I should avoid alcohol as it definitely brings out my slutty side!
  4. I lack she balls when it comes to talking about emotions.
  5. I’m an over thinker and aware of it that I most likely talk myself out of red flags when initially messaging people.
  6. I’m not over Captain America and don’t think I really will ever be until he comes back.

The last point is the killer, yes I’m talking to other people and going on dates but really all I seem to do is compare them to CA. I think it’s because we are still in contact so much and this thing of sending me selfies does make me think about him and miss him even more.

When he sends me a selfie photo I spend ages just staring at it, I zoom in around the photo so I can get a better sense of his surroundings in a bid to feel more connected. I feel like a bit of a mad women just sat there staring at a photo.

I’m desperate for physical contact to a point that I’m feeling unloved (for lack of a better phrase). I just can’t cope with no sex or physical and emotional contact for so long, there is no way I could wait nine months for him, not when there is no guarantee that he will come back or more to the point stay!

The other day during a chat he mentioned he didn’t know what he was going to do for work when he came back. He’s in the army reserves but his “civvie” job still linked through to the US military, it’s a job he hates and I know he wants to find something else. Which means he might come back but he also might not stay in the UK for long.

I was debating just flat out asking him but then I don’t want to put any pressure on him when he is already going through so much. I also don’t know how I would cope if he did say he wanted to come back and find so we could remain together. Because then I would defiantly feel like a crap for unlocking my dating apps.

It’s a mindfuck.

City banker = Bit of a wanker

After numerous cancellations I have finally managed to meet The Body

We had arranged to meet in one place but he changed it last min to a different bar as he wanted the pizza that they served. I wasn’t too happy as I for one, I wasn’t that hungry and the menu this place did was pretty much limited to pizza, and secondly I did not want to eat a pizza in front of someone who has less fat than a bloody pizza. The first place had a small bar menu where I could of ordered something small that would if tied me over.

I decided to have a quick sandwich before leaving the house because even with my three drink limit zero food would be a recipe for disaster. I’m pretty annoyed at how pathetic and insecure I actually am.

We were both running late. This annoyed me slightly. I always try to plan it so I know they are in the place before I am. I have visions of one day being sat in a place and the person turning up, taking one look at me and doing a runner! Although I would prefer that in comparison to what happened to a friend of mine where he said he was going to the toilet and just left. That stunt had her stop dating for nearly two years. I know I was also running late but

Getting to the bar I spotted him through the window before going in. Well major worry number one was out the window, he wasn’t a catfish! He was a hottie, I was actually taken back by how hot he was. I walked into the bar and they were doing a quiz…. oh great.

If he thought I was going to be doing a pub quiz he had another thing coming. I’m an extremely bad looser and I’m pretty rubbish at general knowledge pub quizzes do not paint me in a good light.

I walked up to the bar where he was, the hello was… odd. It was literally hello, an apology about not knowing he quiz was on and then a question if I wanted a drink.

No hug, kiss… no contact. Granted the first hello is always a bit of a fumble and awkward but the lack of it made me feel like is he could of looked through the window and saw me he would of ran. My insecurities started bubbling away.

So he was hotter than his photos… I mean I didn’t think it was possible but inevitably it was. I will admit I was actually flustered!

We grabbed a table away in a corner and he browsed the menu while we chatted… mentally I was channeling my inner Sherlock trying to work out where the flaw in this guy was…

It didn’t take long!

The guy was arrogant, my red flag from his text yesterday was spot on! He was also slightly patronising at times which I had to pull him up on. I grew up with a large family, my sarcasm skills are on on fleek.

He seemed to be receptive to my quick put downs and the patronising quickly stopped but the arrogance was still there.

During the date I started to find it more amusing. I could see how some people wouldn’t take to him. He was very much first date material for a lot of people as he could clearly be interpreted as offensive.

He name dropped some celebrities who he had worked with and was visually miffed when I wasn’t impressed.

I asked him about any dates and he told me of one where the girl had turned up a lot bigger than her photos and had lied about having kids. He said it wasn’t the weight thing that has bothered him but more the fact she had lied.

He had another where he had gone on a date and she had offered him money to get her pregnant… this one through me as it sounded crazy.

We didn’t talk too much about our lives or work, I think he dismissed my work as being leas important than his… but he would he is afterall a wanky banker.

The place was closing and we decided to start heading back, his car by chance was parked near my apartment so we opted to walk together.

We continued chatting until we got to the point where I needed to go one way and he needed to go another.

I wondered if we would kiss… we awkward hugged.

Getting home I thought well that’s it, I didn’t expect we would meet up again. I didn’t stroke his ego enough and I’m most likely not what he is looking for physically.

So I was shocked to get a text off him when he had got home, asking when I was next free… he’s still messaging me today?

I think he is after sex and nothing serious. I’m comfortable enough with him to actually have this talk as honestly I don’t think we would work out as a couple.

Could he be the perfect distraction while Captain America is away? Or am I infact the shallow one?

The Body for a uniform?

I’m feeling all over the place at the moment. I’ve hit the snooze button on any further matches. I forgot how exhausting having the same conversations with people can get. I’m still pretty annoyed with the disappearing act from these guys I arranged dates with. I also started feeling paranoid that they had seen me out and thought “screw that”.

It’s actually making me anxious about leaving the house without my hair and make up done. With my dog I often throw on a hoodie and joggers when taking him out, my hair is scraped back and barely brushed and recently my skin has been looking a bit grey. I’m assuming that’s from my recent sickness and the added stress from work (and the departure of Captain America). But let’s just say I hardly look my best.

Does online dating mean I have to be “at my best” all the time? I live right in town so there’s no avoiding people plus I don’t have the energy to do that shit every day. I have two “looks” one is with makeup and the second is without. You will tend to find me in the latter.

Anyway enough about my wallowing, it’s time for a flash briefing in what’s going on….

Perito had been messaging me chasing me for a follow up date and we had the “Im just not that into you” talk. He was great and we have agreed to remain as friends. He’s been pretty consistent with the messages since and it’s nice to see that he does want to remain friends.

Pizza boy has pissed me off and he’s now blocked. His messages were getting annoying, he kept asking to come round to my place or when I said I was out with friends he would ask for photos and then ask why wasn’t he invited. At first I took it as a joke but he really wouldn’t let up with it and I was getting the impression that he was arrogant and possibly that he might be aggressive. Anyway there was a huge red flag and I couldn’t ignore it.

The Body we are meeting tomorrow. He’s great at staying in touch and I get the usual “good morning” messages, he checks up with me during the day to see how things are going and I get wishes of good night when he heads to bed. Not only is he a super sweet he’s also a bloody sculpted sex Adonis… I mean his body actually makes me salivate!

The Body and I have arranged and cancelled 5 dates now, something just keeps coming up and it was getting to the point I felt like perhaps fate was not on our side. He must of been feeling the same too as he messaged me today saying he had scheduled things in his diary so he could leave work early so not to be late or have to cancel. I sent a jokey reply saying how I wish my company would pay attention to me when I did things like that, he replied saying as a partner people had to listen to him.

Perhaps I am being over picky but that reply really annoyed me. I doubt he meant in in the context I read it but for me it came across a tad Wanky.

I should point out that we haven’t actually had the “so what do you do for work talk”. I hate that conversation. My job is so unique that people can easily work out where I work by me answering what I do so I tend to dumb it down to a more generic answer. That I turn makes me sound boring, but as it’s one of the top asked questions So I keep the topic away from work as much as I can. The less I ask them about their job the less they ask me…

This new revelation has given me doubts about him. How can someone who I click with that well with, look like that and also be so well positioned career wise? I feel like I’m possibly being catfished or… you guys are going to get one hell of a funny post about some weird and wonderful thing this guy does… otherwise he might just be too hot to be true.

Maybe I’m once again over thinking things. But then… remember The Vegan? What a beautiful creature but such an arrogant cockwomble! So I’m coming from a place of experience!

I’ve realised I have told you very little about The Body with the exception that he’s got a god like body! So I drafted up a couple of pros and cons…

The positives…

  1. He lives one town over from me, so no long ass commutes to see each other.
  2. He’s funny and gets my humor.
  3. He goes to the gym and has encouraged me to join him but not in a gym boff type of way.
  4. He’s more dine than wine so would be a positive influence on my nights out.
  5. He’s bloody hot!

The negatives…

  1. He’s bragged about his work.
  2. He may not get on with some of my friends.
  3. I don’t get why he’s still single.
  4. His messages have started to become more sexual (I will hold my hands up slightly to say I have slightly encouraged it at times)
  5. He’s not Captain America.

Anyway we will see tomorrow… I mean I’m in his calendar now!

This brings me onto Captain America obviously I can’t just switch off my feelings to the point I’m having second thoughts about dating in general. I’m guessing because I do actually really like The Body and if I meet him tomorrow and find that I like him like him then I am going to find myself in a sticky situation…. and I will likely bore you guys to tears with it!

A dating vortex – The disappearing act.

Remember my busy date week?

I had ONE date out of the four I planned one! I hate that people make plans and the fall from the face of the earth! It’s just so bloody rude!

Here’s the update from my now not so busy week…

Mr Cautious stopped messaging me pretty much the same day we planned our date… I followed up with a “how are you?!” A couple of days later but no response. I’ve deleted him. Saturday was cancelled

Braveheart was supposed to message me on Sunday to make plans… tumbleweed…

Lisbon also fell off the face of the earth so that was Tuesday out of the window. I was annoyed about this one as we got on so well! This weekend he messaged me saying he had been busy. I was unwell when I got the message and didn’t reply… I went back to my bumble app to check exactly what was said but it seems he has deleted his account. Nice to see it doesn’t work both ways there!

I just don’t get why match with someone, plan at date and the ghost? It’s so much effort for literally nothing?! I mean I didn’t ask these guys out they asked me?! If anyone can explain this please do because it’s really bloody infuriating!

Fortunately I’m not completely barren in terms of possible dates at the start of this cuffing season…

Captain America – We are talking so much, every now and then I question if I should wait for him to return. I do wonder where we would be had he not been called away. It’s only just coming up to a month… another 8 to go.

Pizza Boy – I don’t get this guy! He’s awkward funny. Always asking me for photos… not nudes but selfies. I’m not a selfie person. I don’t think I’m very photogenic so I rarely agree. We need to schedule a date because I feel like we are just going to fall into being own pals… very awkward pen pals.

The Body – He is the office favourite… the body has abs for days… even writing this I can feel myself day dreaming about running my fingers down them…. anyway not only is The Body an Adonis he has also very similar to me in many ways… the only exception is he spends his time in the gym while I seem to spend mine with a gin. We have planned and cancelled dates three times now. I’ve been unwell and he is now unwell. Typical.

So my DMs are pretty quiet, I’m honestly not that fussed with dating right now, I seemed to of done a bit of a 180 with it all.

I’m excited about meeting the body…. providing he doesn’t fall into the same vortex my other matches seemed to of disappeared into!

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