I have been struggling to find the desire to write recently. My Last post was pretty hard to write but it was something that has helped me process things. I have had some lovely comment and emails from readers who have shared both support as well as their own experiences, the support has been overwhelming and I want to thank each of you who took the time to reach out. It really means the world.
As I mentioned in my last post I am determined not to dwell in the past, however I haven’t updated anyone as to what the hell is going on with me and the delightful Captain America.. so please bare with me as we are going to have to jump back in order to go forward with this one as I have had some major “ahhh fuck that’s what that was” moments since looking back on my posts and behaviours.
So my last post detailing my thoughts on my situationship with CA was Schrödinger’s cat where I tried to explain to myself more than you guys why I was struggling to have the DTR conversation with CA. I wrote that post on my way to see him to catch a movie and I will admit I was struggling to really concentrate on the film as all i could think about was dead cats and boxes, as I rested my head on his shoulder he would randomly turn and kiss the top of my head. Now as someone who HATES PDA I found this extremely reassuring, I couldn’t for the life of me work out why until now. My ex was controlling, his form of PDA was the equivalent of a dog pissing on a lamp post. It wasn’t affection it was him marking his territory. So i came to hate PDA because I saw it as a controlling act. But sitting in that auditorium with his arm around me made me feel safe, him kissing me on the head randomly didn’t make me want to squirm away it made me sink further into contentment… yeah grab your sick buckets folks!
The sex was getting more intimate too, although the lust and the passion was still there we had gotten to know our bodies so well that things were slowed down and we both experience pretty intense orgasms (admittedly me more than him).
I was on cloud nine after our night together, my body was suitably exhausted, I was sporting one of those “stupid assed grin” as my friend put it the following day when we met for coffee. So needless to say I was shocked when the St Patrick’s day incident occurred, that night/morning still makes me shudder. Looking back on it now I can safely say I was right in my post Time out! I had spooked myself with my feeling for CA I
was am scared that he either doesn’t like me as much as I like him, only wants to be FWB or and this is the main one, he turns out to be the same as my ex.
Do I think he is? No not at all, but then who looks like they would do something like that?! My ex although started to give signs off pretty early he didn’t look like someone who would hurt me… or perhaps he does and I’m a bad judge of character?! All of these things were screaming in my head so I punched that big old self destruct button in an attempt to ruin things so I wouldnt be hurt further down the line. It nearly worked, I had slowed down my responses to CA, my replies had become more closed and I was putting in the distance. I was telling myself I was giving him an out when I was just giving myself an excuse to blame him if he took me up on it.
It was only when I logged into the app we had met on… Although I had received a message from someone I had been messaging with a while back I will admit now that I was far more interested in CA’s latest location to see if he had been online waiting to see that he had logged on during his work trip away. What found was the opposite… nothing, he was listed as a Deleted User!
So just like that crazy left the building… we continued with our dates and gone was my crippling urge to define what we were. I was finally just enjoying my time with him our conversations got deeper, he spoke more in detail about his marriage and divorce. As he spoke I could see him physically change, he seemed exposed (granted he was naked at the time) but it was his eyes that got me. They seemed to give off this sense of vulnerability, it made my heart break, I could tell he was unsure of my reaction (it’s not my story to share but it is an odd one).
Our dates became more “date” foucused rather than he caveman drag me to bed style that we had quickly adapted to. I’d meet him at a location not just his house. Our conversations have become less sex focused and more discussions on what was happening in the world.
On one particular evening we were getting some Thai food in this really quirky restaurant, it was like it was someone’s front room that they had hasetly painted red, thrown up some Asian trinkets and then squeezed in as many tables as physically possible (they also had the rudest waitress I have ever met! I don’t think she was intentionally rude but it was just her mannerisms, I loved her! CA loves the look of excitement on my face when she asked him why he bothered asking what was “good” he was just going to order something else anyway! )
Although we were on a table of two it was like we had joined the table next to us as they were that close. They seemed to on a first date and she was clearly carrying the conversation.. I felt for her! She was going through the list of foods she didn’t like as he sat there looking bored and pushed around noodles on his plate. In that moment I realised how lucky I was to be sat across from CA. We have never lacked for conversation! We fell into our own little world discussing the (then) recent poisoning of the Russian spy in Salisbury when the woman in the table next to us decided that it was a good enough topic to add to their conversation sadly to no avail, I felt a pang if pain for her. I wanted to slap the guy and give her a hug!
Again I thought back to how fortunate my time with CA is. We have opposing views on a lot of things but debate and poke fun at one another about them. For example…
- He’s a republican- granted I’m not in America but let’s just say if I was then I very much doubt I would be that way inclined politically
- He’s pro gun – He has explained his views on this, frankly I still think he is chatting a load of bollocks. As someone who does go shooting I can safely say that if you need an automatic gun to shoot a deer then your a shit shot. There is no need own a weapon like that under the guise of a hobby.
- He voted trump – Yeah…. I find that one harder to deal with than the gun law.
If you asked me in the past if I would consider dating someone who believed in all of the above I would laugh and most likely claim I wouldn’t even consider talking to them never mind dating. Perhaps it’s the fact that although I don’t agree with his views they have no way of impacting me (ok the Trump thing is a global fuck in my opinion) so it’s easy for me to shrug them off and find them as amusing debate topics rather than deal breakers for dating.
In our last meeting we were sat in a pub having a drink and I was telling him about my upcoming move. I missed out the details of the lead up to getting my new place. I know that this is something will need to be brought up at some point but honestly I feel ashamed and it’s still a little raw right now. As I was talking about my new place he asked me about the tenancy agreement, more specifically if it allowed subletting.
What?! It caught me off guard and I pointed out that it was a one bedroom why or more to the point how would I sublet?!
And slowly the penny dropped… was he hinting at a possibility of moving in?
He then went on to explain about subletting and what it was… yeah awkward!
The whole thing was left with a “we’ll see”. Yeah…. no. As much as I like this guy I need at least a year of my own space before I can even think of that.
Walking back to the car from the pub he had his arm around my waist and I was a million miles away from where I had been one week previous. How could I go from a crippling sense of depression where I felt that the only way out was to swallow a cocktail of pills and drift off into nothing to this feeling of pure contentment.. in seven days?!
The sex was intense and falling asleep in his arms afterwards was heavenly. It was all dare I say perfect?! I woke to the blissful feeling of him caressing my body followed by some toe curling, back arching and body shudderingly amazing sex. I am now one of those girls who is not only lucky to an able to achieve orgasm through penetration (something I hadn’t experienced before) I’m also now that bitch who is getting multiple orgasms… multiple!
He got up to jump in the shower and I could see something was up… he was getting twitchy… I was getting freaked so my mind threw a million scenarios at me in the space of a nano second. Why do I do this to myself? Why can’t I be one of those girls who just takes things in her stride?!
I braced myself for the earth shattering news.. “something has come up at work and I need to go back to the US for a month”.
I could of punched him… I called him an asshole. I think he assumed I was saying it because I was upset he was going (which I was) but I was calling him that for the moment of headfuck he just caused me!
He still looked sheepish… stared at him and said “what else?”
“I have to go this weekend”
I called him an asshole again and this time I was upset…. I was gutted a month? Are you kidding me and so soon?!
That was a week ago and the last time I saw him. Work schedules and life meant we just couldn’t see one another before he left. I know it’s only a month and I have a lot going on with moving so it’s not as though I don’t have anything to occupy myself with… but what about my toe curling, back arching, body shuddering sex?! What about my bloody orgasms?!
So in short I’m sulking… and also concerned my vagina is going to seal up!