Tits and Fanny!

I think there might be something wrong with me, perhaps I am overly flirty with guys and I don’t realise it.. or perhaps I am exuding some sort of pheromone that attracts men… not just men but fuckwits. I had yet another encounter with someone I saw as a friend who tried to take things to the “next level” however unlike Friendzoned Freddie this guy is married…yes MARRIED.

It all started when I had just closed the door to my landlord… another fuckwit I might add but thats for another time! I needed a drink and I needed one stat. I had spent most of my free time packing, sorting and painting the house that I was starting to get a little crazy. My assistant referred to me looking “manic” ever since the notice to my current place came up. I couldn’t argue with her, I could feel myself loosing my mind as each day passed by. You know when you kick off about something and you can hear that little voice in the back of your mind saying “you know your over reacting!”  but your so caught up in whatever emotion it is your spewing that you cant even hold back the crazy?! Well I was bubbling over with so much stress and emotion it was literally coming out of my eyes!

I had arranged for a weekend drink with a friend of mine who I hadn’t seen for a while… actually the last time I saw her I was on my first date with the copper where she assumed he was my boyfriend… I haven’t heard from copper in a while, infact it was only when I was giving my friend the low down on my dating that I started to wonder what happened… again perhaps a post for another time?

The wine was going down far too easily, and we decided to do what any other two single ladies would do at 1am after consuming their own body weight in wine… we wanted to go dancing! So off we went, completely smashed but happy to head out and dance in one of the grotty late night venues in my local town, you know the one where your feet stick to the floor and the toilet bowls are more likely cleaner than the glassware is? A real dive… but they were close to where we were and we were suitably lubricated we didn’t give a toss.

As we were dancing… I will use that term loosely, think stumble/wiggle strutting and spinning and you would get the jist of my type of “shapes” I was throwing (watch out Beyonce!). We bumped into a group of friends that we knew and started catching up, this group consisted of four guys one of whom for the sake of this post shall be called Larry…. Larry the leech. We did the usual drunken hugs, hellos and chatted bollocks to one another about nothing in particular.

Now you don’t need to be Nancy Drew to work out that Larry is the fuckwit I referred to earlier on in this post… the Married fuckwit. When Larry saw me he looked at me in a way that i assume was supposed to be his “sexy eyes” infact he winked at me so often I actually thought he had developed some sort of tick since i had last seen him… yes i was drunk enough to ask him… much to the delight of his friends.

Larry tried to dance with me… I have already pointed out the style of my dancing when fuelled with wine, Im not grinding material… any one watching us must of thought we were trying to react some sort of human rodeo, me trying to buck, spin and yank him off me while he clung on for dear life.

I was getting annoyed, my friend was also getting annoyed, Larry was getting aroused. The guy had a tent pole in his pants on the middle of the dancefloor.

I decided to call it quits, i was on the verge of snapping his penis off because he would not take the hint… by hint i mean me grabbing his hands and saying “dont fucking touch me”. My friend was also pretty smashed so it was uber time.

While waiting for the car outside Larry had changed his tactic of handsy and had adopted the age old trick of simply begging.

Yep, out on the street he literally begged me to let him come home to my house…. to….. talk.

As my car pulled up I once again assured him that there was no way in hell that he was invited to my house. He then told me that apparently I was the only one who understood him and his wife and he don’t even talk much anymore…

ya ya ya ya…..

Just to clarify i haven’t seen this guy in over a year, i don’t know exactly when this apparent bonding took place but it certainly wasn’t when i was telling him to fuck off when I was dancing. The next morning i text my friend and asked her if i had done anything to lead him on. She was pretty worse for wear so put me on a group chat with one of the other guys from the group, he reassured me that as dazzling as my personality is there was one thing that drew Larry the Leech in.

I have a nice rack and a vagina.

Go me!

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Freddie got Friendzoned

So amongst all the stress and mountains of cardboard boxes I have high tuned my skills of procrastination to a pretty impressive level!

One of the most prominent distractions is the wormhole that is Facebook. I was doing the usual scroll through my newsfeed when a message popped up from a friend who I hadn’t seen in years since he moved down south.

We did the usual hey how are ya?! Messages and he asked about ex (he had no idea we had split), I told him about my pending move… etc. During the back and forth he asked me if I fancied grabbing some food and heading to the cinema to catch the new avengers film.

Looking around at the mountain of things I still had to do… the place looked like it has played host to a police drugs raid… of course I said yes.

For the sake of ease I am going to call him Freddie (oooh haven’t applied a nickname in a while!)

We met at a Mexican restaurant close to the cinema, it’s one of those tacky high street chains where the food all tastes the same it’s just wrapped in a corn tortilla slightly differently!

We had the usual catch up chat, how things were, what we had been up to etc… we laughed about nights out we had, people we remembered… it was nice, for once my mind wasn’t scrambled with lists and blind panic.

We headed off to watch the film (awesome BTW). Sitting in the auditorium I had a wave of longing for Captain America, I realised I didn’t have my human pillow with me… I mean if I randomly rested my head on Freddie that would be super weird!

After the film we headed to grab some drinks, I was actually enjoying myself and for the first time in a while I was stress free! We were sat chatting away about the film when our drinks were running low, he asked if we should have another… do bears crap in the woods?! Hell yes I wanted another, I haven’t been out or relaxed for so long I was keen to continue the evening.

When he came back he asked about what happened with my ex, now I was impressed it took him so long to actually ask, I know it must of been killing him thinking if he should or could ask me anything about the break up. He knew my ex and was friends with him. I kept it short, I explained a bit of what went on but hey I didn’t want to kill my high of the night thinking or talking about that dribble of pond scum.

When I was done Freddie looked pensive for a while and then said “I always thought you were too good for him” I agreed I was and said how I wished I had realised that sooner. He laughed and told me that had I realised sooner then he might never of moved… erm ok.

Right to be clear Freddie and I are friends, I am friends with his daughter… yeah she’s only 2 years my junior. Yes love and dating don’t have an age but that comment threw me a bit! He is old enough to be my father and there has never been anything romantic between us.

He went on to say how much he has always liked me and how he still thinks about me and how he was over the moon when I agreed to go out with him this evening.

Now by this point I am feeling a range of emotions, from confusion to embarrassment. Where had this come from?! He put his hand on my knee and continued to talk, I had stopped listening as my mind was full of buzzing noises as I was trying to work out what the hell was going on and then it struck me….

I was on a DATE!

The meal we had before the film… he insisted on paying for. The film tickets he had pre ordered and the popcorn and drink he had purchased when I was in the toilet, he refused my offer of money which was why we were in the pub, I wanted to at least buy him a beer! I recalled the way he had been looking at me the whole evening, his body language….

Shit.

I was on a date, how the hell did I not notice sooner?!

He could see from my face that something was up and now there were two of us sat looking confused and slightly horrified.

I explained that I was there as a friend having a catch up… he gushed saying he was sorry and how he likes me and thought this could be the start of something…

basically my idea of a conversation from hell!

I explained I was seeing someone and then the friend zone phrase came out…. god I hate the friend-zoning conversation. “I really like you as a friend but that’s it. I hope that we can still be friends after this… we have so much fun I would hate to loose our friendship over this…”

Now all of these statements are true. But it’s still super awkward to verbalise it to someone. I for one freak out about a DTR talk with CA for fear of those words coming out of his mouth.

Freddie shrugged and said perhaps if things don’t work out with your new bloke we might be in for a chance…. yeah he didn’t hear a single word I had said.

We continued with our drinks but the atmosphere became a little more strained so we called it a night. As I have him a hug goodbye he asked me why was it nice guys always finished last… god I hate that phrase.

I text him when I got home and he never replied…. guess he wasn’t after friendship.

Continual WTF mindset!

Ok so we all know April was a load of depressing bollox you would think I would be over the moon to see the start of May!

God moving is stressful, I have found myself on the verge of a panic attack multiple times a day. My assistant at work is loosing her mind with the worry that I am loosing my mind, my boss well… he hasn’t got a mind to loose but his support has been the equivalent to that of a chocolate teapot.

The phrase only “x” amount of days to go has become my personal mantra. I haven’t gone as far to locking myself in a dark room to rock back and forth but hey.. there are 27 days to let that happen!

So yes house is a mess, work is a mess and Captain America is still in America… it’s all so sucky!

There have been some up points… one I will be posting about shortly as it’s an evening worthy of its own post!

The other is CA’s contract is going nowhere! I get to keep my sex machine although my fears of my vagina sealing up and me forgetting how to actually have sex are still pretty big concerns the knowledge that he isn’t going to be leaving has certainly put a smile on my face.

The time zones are still screwing with our communications, I’m heading to be while he is coming home from work and he is heading to or is already in bed when I am getting up. I miss him and he is very open in telling me that he misses me too.

The topic of my move came up… ok I am bitching about I at any given opportunity, no one is safe and even that big ass ocean is not enough to save dear ole CA from my rants! But if he can’t love me at my Lindsey Logan he doesn’t deserve me at my Beyoncé! Last night he messaged me saying when he got back he wanted to “pseudo” live with me… in fact he has been as subtle as a cactus in a nuns knickers about the whole living situation.

Is he going to move in… no. Sure he is welcome to come and stay as much as he likes but living together when only a few weeks ago I was boring you all to tears with my continual ramblings of “WTF are we?!” And now here I am, still riddled with the “WTF” mindset but this time I am wondering how things managed to move so quickly?!

I just can’t wait for him to get back…for the sake of my vagina more than anything!

Learning to deal with it…

I’m having a hard time right now, I feel like I’m in complete limbo with everything.

I’m trying to heed my own advise to Captain America and just wait and see what happens with his work but I just can’t help feeling that it’s not going to be what I want to hear. Although we only saw one another once or twice a week, we would chat a lot in the evening, the time difference combined with the fact he can’t have his mobile at work means we have a tiny window of time and I’m really starting to miss him.

My company is currently undergoing a review and although I am not worried about my position I am worried about the impact it’s going to have on my stress levels once things do start rolling out. As someone who has been a part in pulling together I’m not going to be the most popular person around. In the past this wouldn’t bother me but it just seems like another thing that I don’t want to have to deal with.

Friday will be the day I hand in the notice to my house for the move. I’m dreading that, it’s my ripping off the band aid moment and I am preying that it’s not going to take half my skin off with it. I’m worried that my landlord is going to give me a poor reference and ruin everything. Solo I was a good tenant but when my ex lived with me the police were around a lot. The rent payments were missed on a number of occasions, although I paid it all back I can’t help but feel that something is going to go wrong.

I have lost my motivation to start sorting things around the house. I spent the last two days off just avoiding even starting anything. To make matters worse I opened the door to my old housemate room and the place was in a state. So I did what any mature person would do.

I sat on the floor and cried.

I know I am fretting over things outside of my control and I am seeing the worst case scenario in all of these things but I can’t help feeling everything is out of my control… and not being in control scares the crap out of me.

The distance….

So we already know how I have fallen for Captain America, it’s been over a week since I have seen him and it’s going to be at least another three and a half until I can see him again ( yeah I’m bloody counting! ) I would most likely be able to deal with this had the time difference combined with the fact he isn’t able to have his phone on him at work means we have very little chance to talk.

We both prefer messages to phone conversations, I hate talking on the phone in fact it’s only with my family and my bestie that I talk over the phone the rest of the time it’s text and email. There is something so demanding about the sound of a phone ringing, it brings out the defiant teenager in me and I don’t want to answer it. In fact I have on multiple occasions left it to go to voicemail only to call back immediately, perhaps it’s a control thing… anyway it’s weird and I am thankful I don’t have to deal with this dilemma with CA!

But even with the mode of text our communication is sparse. In fact he is waking up earlier in the morning (yesterday he was up at 5.30am) just so we have some back and forth. I have found myself waking up in the middle of the night and checking my phone to replay ( this morning at 2am ) honestly I don’t know how I am going to carry this on for a further three and a half weeks!

And then I get a message from him where I literally thought my world was shattering into a million pieces. He told me he had heard his contract in the UK might be ending… what?

As I read the message my first thought was what does that mean for us. I instantly felt selfish as he is pretty annoyed with his situation and clearly stressed about it but I couldn’t help it! Fortunately the time difference meant I didn’t get the message straight away meaning I had the time to compose myself before replying.

I asked what that would mean for him and what would he do…. ok I wanted to scream “but what about me?” But I’m trying to keep the crazy tethered for the time being! He just wasn’t sure what would happen although he didn’t say it we both know the chances of him remaining in the UK are slim. He mentioned if his contract was to end then he would need to look at things as he wouldn’t be able to continue renting with no income. So that means he is at least considering trying to stay in the Uk?

For once I’m not obsessing about whether or not this feeling is one sided, I can tell from his messages that like me he isn’t happy about this situation.. why is it that the one time I can read a situation it has to be the shitty one?!

All I could do is tell him just to wait and see but if it does turn out that he has to go then I will be truly gutted. Why do I have to fall for the one guy who might not be around? More to the point why can’t I heed my own advice?!

So no only is not seeing him driving me mad but the new found knowledge that things could be over before they start is infuriating!

Updating Captain America

I have been struggling to find the desire to write recently. My Last post was pretty hard to write but it was something that has helped me process things. I have had some lovely comment and emails from readers who have shared both support as well as their own experiences, the support has been overwhelming and I want to thank each of you who took the time to reach out. It really means the world.

As I mentioned in my last post I am determined not to dwell in the past, however I haven’t updated anyone as to what the hell is going on with me and the delightful Captain America.. so please bare with me as we are going to have to jump back in order to go forward with this one as I have had some major “ahhh fuck that’s what that was” moments since looking back on my posts and behaviours.

So my last post detailing my thoughts on my situationship with CA was Schrödinger’s cat where I tried to explain to myself more than you guys why I was struggling to have the DTR conversation with CA. I wrote that post on my way to see him to catch a movie and I will admit I was struggling to really concentrate on the film as all i could think about was dead cats and boxes, as I rested my head on his shoulder he would randomly turn and kiss the top of my head. Now as someone who HATES PDA I found this extremely reassuring, I couldn’t for the life of me work out why until now.  My ex was controlling, his form of PDA was the equivalent of a dog pissing on a lamp post. It wasn’t affection it was him marking his territory. So i came to hate PDA because I saw it as a controlling act. But sitting in that auditorium with his arm around me made me feel safe, him kissing me on the head randomly didn’t make me want to squirm away it made me sink further into contentment… yeah grab your sick buckets folks!

The sex was getting more intimate too, although the lust and the passion was still there we had gotten to know our bodies so well that things were slowed down and we both experience pretty intense orgasms (admittedly me more than him).

I was on cloud nine after our night together, my body was suitably exhausted, I was sporting one of those “stupid assed grin” as my friend put it the following day when we met for coffee. So needless to say I was shocked when the St Patrick’s day incident occurred, that night/morning still makes me shudder. Looking back on it now I can safely say I was right in my post Time out! I had spooked myself with my feeling for CA I was  am scared that he either doesn’t like me as much as I like him, only wants to be FWB or and this is the main one, he turns out to be the same as my ex.

Do I think he is? No not at all, but then who looks like they would do something like that?! My ex although started to give signs off pretty early he didn’t look like someone who would hurt me… or perhaps he does and I’m a bad judge of character?! All of these things were screaming in my head so I punched that big old self destruct button in an attempt to ruin things so I wouldnt be hurt further down the line. It nearly worked, I had slowed down my responses to CA, my replies had become more closed and I was putting in the distance. I was telling myself I was giving him an out when I was just giving myself an excuse to blame him if he took me up on it.

It was only when I logged into the app we had met on… Although I had received a message from someone I had been messaging with a while back I will admit now that I was far more interested in CA’s latest location to see if he had been online waiting to see that he had logged on during his work trip away. What found was the opposite… nothing, he was listed as a Deleted User!

So just like that crazy left the building… we continued with our dates and gone was my crippling urge to define what we were. I was finally just enjoying my time with him our conversations got deeper, he spoke more in detail about his marriage and divorce. As he spoke I could see him physically change, he seemed exposed (granted he was naked at the time) but it was his eyes that got me. They seemed to give off this sense of vulnerability, it made my heart break, I could tell he was unsure of my reaction (it’s not my story to share but it is an odd one).

Our dates became more “date” foucused rather than he caveman drag me to bed style that we had quickly adapted to. I’d meet him at a location not just his house. Our conversations have become less sex focused and more discussions on what was happening in the world.

On one particular evening we were getting some Thai food in this really quirky restaurant, it was like it was someone’s front room that they had hasetly painted red, thrown up some Asian trinkets and then squeezed in as many tables as physically possible (they also had the rudest waitress I have ever met! I don’t think she was intentionally rude but it was just her mannerisms, I loved her! CA loves the look of excitement on my face when she asked him why he bothered asking what was “good” he was just going to order something else anyway! )

Although we were on a table of two it was like we had joined the table next to us as they were that close. They seemed to on a first date and she was clearly carrying the conversation.. I felt for her! She was going through the list of foods she didn’t like as he sat there looking bored and pushed around noodles on his plate. In that moment I realised how lucky I was to be sat across from CA. We have never lacked for conversation! We fell into our own little world discussing the (then) recent poisoning of the Russian spy in Salisbury when the woman in the table next to us decided that it was a good enough topic to add to their conversation sadly to no avail, I felt a pang if pain for her. I wanted to slap the guy and give her a hug!

Again I thought back to how fortunate my time with CA is. We have opposing views on a lot of things but debate and poke fun at one another about them. For example…

  • He’s a republican- granted I’m not in America but let’s just say if I was then I very much doubt I would be that way inclined politically
  • He’s pro gun – He has explained his views on this, frankly I still think he is chatting a load of bollocks. As someone who does go shooting I can safely say that if you need an automatic gun to shoot a deer then your a shit shot. There is no need own a weapon like that under the guise of a hobby.
  • He voted trump – Yeah…. I find that one harder to deal with than the gun law.

If you asked me in the past if I would consider dating someone who believed in all of the above I would laugh and most likely claim I wouldn’t even consider talking to them never mind dating. Perhaps it’s the fact that although I don’t agree with his views they have no way of impacting me (ok the Trump thing is a global fuck in my opinion) so it’s easy for me to shrug them off and find them as amusing debate topics rather than deal breakers for dating.

In our last meeting we were sat in a pub having a drink and I was telling him about my upcoming move. I missed out the details of the lead up to getting my new place. I know that this is something will need to be brought up at some point but honestly I feel ashamed and it’s still a little raw right now. As I was talking about my new place he asked me about the tenancy agreement, more specifically if it allowed subletting.

What?! It caught me off guard and I pointed out that it was a one bedroom why or more to the point how would I sublet?!

And slowly the penny dropped… was he hinting at a possibility of moving in?

He then went on to explain about subletting and what it was… yeah awkward!

The whole thing was left with a “we’ll see”. Yeah…. no. As much as I like this guy I need at least a year of my own space before I can even think of that.

Walking back to the car from the pub he had his arm around my waist and I was a million miles away from where I had been one week previous. How could I go from a crippling sense of depression where I felt that the only way out was to swallow a cocktail of pills and drift off into nothing to this feeling of pure contentment.. in seven days?!

The sex was intense and falling asleep in his arms afterwards was heavenly. It was all dare I say perfect?! I woke to the blissful feeling of him caressing my body followed by some toe curling, back arching and body shudderingly amazing sex. I am now one of those girls who is not only lucky to an able to achieve orgasm through penetration (something I hadn’t experienced before) I’m also now that bitch who is getting multiple orgasms… multiple!

He got up to jump in the shower and I could see something was up… he was getting twitchy… I was getting freaked so my mind threw a million scenarios at me in the space of a nano second. Why do I do this to myself? Why can’t I be one of those girls who just takes things in her stride?!

I braced myself for the earth shattering news.. “something has come up at work and I need to go back to the US for a month”.

I could of punched him… I called him an asshole. I think he assumed I was saying it because I was upset he was going (which I was) but I was calling him that for the moment of headfuck he just caused me!

He still looked sheepish… stared at him and said “what else?”

“I have to go this weekend”

I called him an asshole again and this time I was upset…. I was gutted a month? Are you kidding me and so soon?!

That was a week ago and the last time I saw him. Work schedules and life meant we just couldn’t see one another before he left. I know it’s only a month and I have a lot going on with moving so it’s not as though I don’t have anything to occupy myself with… but what about my toe curling, back arching, body shuddering sex?! What about my bloody orgasms?!

So in short I’m sulking… and also concerned my vagina is going to seal up!

Being honest with myself.

Firstly sorry to anyone who has been following my blog, I know I just fell off the face of the earth but I did that stupid hermit thing to do when I find that life is getting too much for me and his away.

I’m going to give you all a brief rundown about what has been going on and then perhaps once I feel more comfortable I will elaborate a little further on some points, in particular my birthday which still makes me feel sick when I think back about it.

So here it goes…. I will warn you this is a long one.

Work

As I have mentioned in past posts my work has been a little difficult. As someone who is a roll your sleeves up kinda gal I have found myself getting extremely overwhelmed with the number of issues and mistakes that I have had to deal with. My boss who I have been having issues with has made a whooping turd of a mistake and for the past month has been off “sick”. Although him being away has been somewhat of a holiday (not having to deal with him is a dream) I have been left with a mess to clean up, it’s become mentally, physically and at some points emotionally draining.

Home

I have had to make the decision to find somewhere else to live. My housemate packed up and left with just five days notice, he claimed that he found my dating difficult to deal with and needed his own space. Now I’m not sure how my dating has had such an impact on him, he made it sound like I have some sort of revolving bloody bedroom door, what makes it even more baffling is I haven’t had anyone round when he has been in the house?!

Anyway this decision has resulted in me realising that I can’t actually afford they rent on the place on my own. I went out house seeking and found the perfect flat, it’s a dream but there was one problem….

My ex

Now I have touched on the history of my ex, one thing I skated around was the financial mess he left me in. He pushed me into bankruptcy. Now if you have ever experienced trying to find a property with a low credit score you will have half an idea how difficult it is. So I found my dream flat, but was told I needed to pay 12 months up front. Seriously?! 12 months? If I had that laying around in the bank then I would have enough for a deposit on a place (granted I wouldn’t be able to get a mortgage but hey let me rant on this one!).

Where is my ex after all this? Well he has himself a nice little council house because he is unemployed and has anxiety issues…. I’m trying not to sound bitter and twisted about this but it makes my shit itch!

So I watched my dream flat crumble in front of my eyes and I realised that I was stranded. Stranded in a house that frankly I hate, it’s haunted with the memory of my ex and owned by a landlord who keeps putting up.

I felt sick, I was depressed and to make matters worse…. I was told all of this on my birthday…. my 30th birthday.

Happy birthday to me….

So this is where it gets a little more difficult for me to write.

My birthday was the worst day of my life for a few reasons….

  • My family did nothing… My brother actually asked me to babysit over my birthday weekend so he could attend a polish easter party. This is the brother who two years ago I organised a surprise 30th party and flew our parents over to attend.
  • My friends did nothing, with exception to my work wife who was actually due on my birthday I didn’t see nor hear from anybody of them on the weekend or on my actual birthday.
  • I had to work and spent the day pretending that I had an amazing weekend.
  • The estate agent told me about the deposit requirement telling me I needed to let them know what I was going to do by 10am the following day.

I was riddled with self pity and I let my dark thoughts consume me.

I spent the night of my 30th birthday alone with a bottle of wine and a cocktail of pills and then the following morning in he hospital after just by chance my housemate came by as he had left his laptop charger.

I want to assure you all that I am ok, I know now that it was stupid of me to even consider trying to kill myself but at the time I felt like it was the only way to release myself from everything, the stress, the loneliness and the scars left behind by my ex that I pick at until all those horrible things he used to say to me bleed back into my mind and I start to once again believe that I am just a waste of time, space and oxygen.

I know I am not, the following day when I looked at myself in the mirror I reminded myself that.

I’ve dusted myself off and decided that this, my 30th year on this Earth is going to be different. For once I was going to face my personal issues head on and screw how it made other people feel or react.

That was a week ago… a lot can happen in a week.

  • I told my family they were assholes. I didn’t tell them about my hospital visit as I didn’t think it was appropriate and honestly the fact they didn’t bother with me on my birthday wasn’t the reason for me doing what I did. Yes it played a small part but I don’t want them feeling like it was their fault.
  • I told my friends they were assholes too. Yep I straight out called them and asked why I hadn’t heard from them and I told them I was upset and hurt by it. Again I didn’t tell them about the hospital… for the same reasons.
  • My housemate I am yet to speak to. He has been avoiding me. I don’t blame him but I have messaged him to tell that it wasn’t his fault and have asked to meet him to explain in person, and to thank him.
  • I have a meeting with the CEO to discuss my workload, wages and lack of support.
  • I called the agents and asked to speak to the landlord. I sat down in the estate agents office and told a complete stranger about my ex and how I have spent the past few years trying to rebuild my life and then asked if he could help a stranger out and asked if I could pay three months in advance. He agreed.

So my moment of weakness has turned into my week of greatest strength.

Now some of you may be wondering where Captain America has been in all of this. We are still seeing one another but I haven’t told him about any of this.

He was the only person who did anything for me to celebrate my birthday, due to his work he couldn’t do anything on the day but the following weekend he treated me to a meal out.

We haven’t had “the conversation” but honestly I don’t think we need to…

Deleted User

So this morning I noticed I had a notification on bumble. Having hid my account this meant the message had to of come from someone who I had already been messaging. But who it was and what was said doesn’t matter.

I had a quick scroll through the messages in my inbox and noticed something…

Captain America has deleted his account!

I’m not going to lie I’m pretty excited about this turn of events! For once I am not going to list the negatives… I’m not going to give you 101 other reasons why he is now a deleted user.

Instead I’m going to work with a bit of a spring in my step and a stupid grin on my face!

Time out!

So after a weekend I hid under my blankets cursing my recent behavior on St Patrick’s day. I’m sill in shock that I could be so stupid.

A reader pointed out something that had briefly flittered across my mind.

I had done it on purpose.

Ok so I hadn’t exactly headed out with my mind set on jumping into bed with a nameless stranger. But perhaps my subconscious was up to something.

At the time I was feeling used by Captain America and I think that a part of me wanted to regain some form of control – all be it in one hell of a fucked up manner!

My one night of shame was just that. One night of lost morals, self pity and a shocking amount of alcohol. The guy didn’t mean enough for me to know his name… hell I don’t think I even asked, I certainly don’t care!

The following morning I had received a couple of messages from CA. Asking how my night had gone and then a follow up one a while later when I assume he had seen i head read the message but hadn’t responded.

I couldn’t face him, i couldnt talk to home yet I wanted nothing more than to lay on his lap and watch a film while he stokes my hair.

Although we had planned to meet, I couldn’t. I couldn’t face him when the night before I had been with someone else, that felt cheap.

Since the weekend we have regained our chatty conversations although have deflected a couple of other invitations to meet from him claiming to be busy with work. I still need a bit more time.

Do I feel guilty – oddly yes. I feel like if this got out it would ruin any chances I have with CA.

Should I feel guilty? – Certainly not. I should feel stupid because being so irresponsible was stupid. But I shouldn’t feel guilty about it. I’m not in a relationship and I am a grown ass 29 year old who can do what she wants – all be it a stupid decision!

Which is why I have decided to have a break from seeing CA so I can regathering my thoughts. I have my Brother visiting this week so I a pretty solid reason for not meeting up without him thinking something is up.

Which it isn’t. I just need some reflection time.

I’m going to take advantage of the time and really think about what it is I need and want from CA. I can’t continue to drive myself crazy with this whole “what does he want?“. Right now I need to focus on what I want and frankly when I’m in a room with CA I honestly push all the crazy aside and slip into a blissful state of feeling like the only person in the world in rose tinted glasses.

Any suggestions are welcome…. please like anything!

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