Rollercoaster of a day – Captain Stresshead

After our perfect weekend Captain America and I started to spend at least one day a weekend with one another… I wanted more, he wanted more but there was always something that would keep it to just the one day… i was busy, he was busy it was driving me insane!

I went out for a friend’s birthday one Saturday night and attempted to drink my own body weight in alcohol. I honestly thought I was going to die… I swear I messaged my mum my wishes for my funeral. She told me I was an idiot and served me right, when I told Captain America he brought hungover me pizza and stroked my hair while I lay on his lap pleading for death to just take me! – Take note mother!

But then one weekend we had our first fight. Ok so it wasn’t really a fight. He got annoyed and stressed out and I did not react appropriately… I found it funny.

To give you a bit of background on what went on…. we decided to visit a Thorpe Park, it’s a theme park not too far from me about an hour and a half… well it’s supposed to be. However his sat nav is an arsehole, it wasn’t quick enough and would tell us a turning when we were literally passing it. He was getting super stressed i on the other hand found it funny.

As we hit a round about his sat nab said one thing and the sign post said another, I pointed out the sign post and he followed my direction… and then the sat nav re-calibrated adding a further 20 mins to the journey time. God he wasn’t happy, I could see he was trying not to be angry at me but he was so pissed off that he couldn’t hide it. So I laughed… not a good move on my part! He informed me it was not funny… so I told him to chill out and not to get stressy…. Now as a stress head I should know better! Never tell someone who is stressed to chill out! He reacted in the manner that I would (ok i would of lost my shit)… so we sat in silence for about 20 minutes (the irony was not missed on me).

Because we were late we then had to queue for nearly an hour to get in which did not help Captain stress heads mood out at all! Once in the park he chilled out and we started to have fun. Thank god because I was very ready to murder him!

We had so much fun, we had paid the extra for fasttrack so we didn’t have to queue at all, which was well worth it as some of the wait times were over 70mins… he would of imploded! The fast track meant we could go on the rides a few times during the day, we focused on the rollercoasters, he refused to go on the big splash one (he didn’t want to get wet – it was over 30 degrees!)

When it was time to leave the place was chaos… the park closed at 5pm so everyone was leaving at the same time. I braced myself for a hissy fit…. the park must of mellowed him as he could see the funny side of it all

The drive home was uneventful but there was still something in the air. When we got to my place he said he was just going to head home… seriously? Now it was my turn to sulk.

Okay maybe he was just tired but really?! There is a bed in my place why couldn’t he be tired in there?

The in and out method – Yo-yo Friend

I did it again, I fell off the face of the blogverse and landed head first into life itself without so much of backwards glance. Although I wish I could blame the lack of blogging on the “big move” but that would be bollocks, complete and utter bollocks and I ramble on enough without adding testicals into the mix….

I also read recently that not accepting blame for things can indicate psychopathic tendencies. I’m already an anxiety riddled mess without adding that mental conundrum to the mix…. but then I also read that if your concerned you may be a psychopath then the chances are your not one… but anyway just to keep bases covered I shall admit that my lack of blogged was I simply couldn’t be assed!

Could you blame me?! I mean did you see the summer we had in the uk?! Why would I be sat indoors blogging and miss the chance to top up my tan, soak up some vitamin D and get utterly trollied in a pub garden? I would have to be…. well psycho!

So I am back…. again, I mean this is the second time within my first year of blogging that I have done the whole “hey I’m still alive post” it’s actually a little embarrassing! When explaining this to my friend (who I refuse to tell where to find my blog) she laughed and pointed out “but that’s just you”. I then realised I’m that friend… you know the one who you don’t see for months and then hangout with everyday, shopping, eating out with, grabbing coffee and then one day nothing? *poof* they are gone! Like yesterday’s cheese… you might even contemplate the idea that we were never actually friends to begin with. The asshole yo-yo friend…Well that’s me!

It’s not that I think any less of you, you haven’t upset me, a better offer hasn’t just come along and I’ve ditched you, I just need some solo time, so off S skulk into my own little world without so much as a thought as to how it impacts others. I never realised I did this until that conversation with my friend and it’s made me think…. damn your an asshole and who wants to be an asshole?!

I’ve decided that if I need to work on any aspect of me then that has to be where I start! – Ok my ass could do with some squats and my stomach is missing a good hundred sit ups but I’m going to start with the less sweaty option…. I’m going to sort my blog out and I’m going to stop with this yo-yo crap too!

So here I am, back to ramble on with the goings on in my life. As it’s been so long I do actually have a lot to catch up with you about, my job, my move, my friends and of course what I started this blog about my love life!

My next few blog posts unlike previous are going be dragging us back a couple of months, to May…. may?! I’ve got so much to tell you all too….

Tits and Fanny!

I think there might be something wrong with me, perhaps I am overly flirty with guys and I don’t realise it.. or perhaps I am exuding some sort of pheromone that attracts men… not just men but fuckwits. I had yet another encounter with someone I saw as a friend who tried to take things to the “next level” however unlike Friendzoned Freddie this guy is married…yes MARRIED.

It all started when I had just closed the door to my landlord… another fuckwit I might add but thats for another time! I needed a drink and I needed one stat. I had spent most of my free time packing, sorting and painting the house that I was starting to get a little crazy. My assistant referred to me looking “manic” ever since the notice to my current place came up. I couldn’t argue with her, I could feel myself loosing my mind as each day passed by. You know when you kick off about something and you can hear that little voice in the back of your mind saying “you know your over reacting!”  but your so caught up in whatever emotion it is your spewing that you cant even hold back the crazy?! Well I was bubbling over with so much stress and emotion it was literally coming out of my eyes!

I had arranged for a weekend drink with a friend of mine who I hadn’t seen for a while… actually the last time I saw her I was on my first date with the copper where she assumed he was my boyfriend… I haven’t heard from copper in a while, infact it was only when I was giving my friend the low down on my dating that I started to wonder what happened… again perhaps a post for another time?

The wine was going down far too easily, and we decided to do what any other two single ladies would do at 1am after consuming their own body weight in wine… we wanted to go dancing! So off we went, completely smashed but happy to head out and dance in one of the grotty late night venues in my local town, you know the one where your feet stick to the floor and the toilet bowls are more likely cleaner than the glassware is? A real dive… but they were close to where we were and we were suitably lubricated we didn’t give a toss.

As we were dancing… I will use that term loosely, think stumble/wiggle strutting and spinning and you would get the jist of my type of “shapes” I was throwing (watch out Beyonce!). We bumped into a group of friends that we knew and started catching up, this group consisted of four guys one of whom for the sake of this post shall be called Larry…. Larry the leech. We did the usual drunken hugs, hellos and chatted bollocks to one another about nothing in particular.

Now you don’t need to be Nancy Drew to work out that Larry is the fuckwit I referred to earlier on in this post… the Married fuckwit. When Larry saw me he looked at me in a way that i assume was supposed to be his “sexy eyes” infact he winked at me so often I actually thought he had developed some sort of tick since i had last seen him… yes i was drunk enough to ask him… much to the delight of his friends.

Larry tried to dance with me… I have already pointed out the style of my dancing when fuelled with wine, Im not grinding material… any one watching us must of thought we were trying to react some sort of human rodeo, me trying to buck, spin and yank him off me while he clung on for dear life.

I was getting annoyed, my friend was also getting annoyed, Larry was getting aroused. The guy had a tent pole in his pants on the middle of the dancefloor.

I decided to call it quits, i was on the verge of snapping his penis off because he would not take the hint… by hint i mean me grabbing his hands and saying “dont fucking touch me”. My friend was also pretty smashed so it was uber time.

While waiting for the car outside Larry had changed his tactic of handsy and had adopted the age old trick of simply begging.

Yep, out on the street he literally begged me to let him come home to my house…. to….. talk.

As my car pulled up I once again assured him that there was no way in hell that he was invited to my house. He then told me that apparently I was the only one who understood him and his wife and he don’t even talk much anymore…

ya ya ya ya…..

Just to clarify i haven’t seen this guy in over a year, i don’t know exactly when this apparent bonding took place but it certainly wasn’t when i was telling him to fuck off when I was dancing. The next morning i text my friend and asked her if i had done anything to lead him on. She was pretty worse for wear so put me on a group chat with one of the other guys from the group, he reassured me that as dazzling as my personality is there was one thing that drew Larry the Leech in.

I have a nice rack and a vagina.

Go me!

Continual WTF mindset!

Ok so we all know April was a load of depressing bollox you would think I would be over the moon to see the start of May!

God moving is stressful, I have found myself on the verge of a panic attack multiple times a day. My assistant at work is loosing her mind with the worry that I am loosing my mind, my boss well… he hasn’t got a mind to loose but his support has been the equivalent to that of a chocolate teapot.

The phrase only “x” amount of days to go has become my personal mantra. I haven’t gone as far to locking myself in a dark room to rock back and forth but hey.. there are 27 days to let that happen!

So yes house is a mess, work is a mess and Captain America is still in America… it’s all so sucky!

There have been some up points… one I will be posting about shortly as it’s an evening worthy of its own post!

The other is CA’s contract is going nowhere! I get to keep my sex machine although my fears of my vagina sealing up and me forgetting how to actually have sex are still pretty big concerns the knowledge that he isn’t going to be leaving has certainly put a smile on my face.

The time zones are still screwing with our communications, I’m heading to be while he is coming home from work and he is heading to or is already in bed when I am getting up. I miss him and he is very open in telling me that he misses me too.

The topic of my move came up… ok I am bitching about I at any given opportunity, no one is safe and even that big ass ocean is not enough to save dear ole CA from my rants! But if he can’t love me at my Lindsey Logan he doesn’t deserve me at my Beyoncé! Last night he messaged me saying when he got back he wanted to “pseudo” live with me… in fact he has been as subtle as a cactus in a nuns knickers about the whole living situation.

Is he going to move in… no. Sure he is welcome to come and stay as much as he likes but living together when only a few weeks ago I was boring you all to tears with my continual ramblings of “WTF are we?!” And now here I am, still riddled with the “WTF” mindset but this time I am wondering how things managed to move so quickly?!

I just can’t wait for him to get back…for the sake of my vagina more than anything!

Learning to deal with it…

I’m having a hard time right now, I feel like I’m in complete limbo with everything.

I’m trying to heed my own advise to Captain America and just wait and see what happens with his work but I just can’t help feeling that it’s not going to be what I want to hear. Although we only saw one another once or twice a week, we would chat a lot in the evening, the time difference combined with the fact he can’t have his mobile at work means we have a tiny window of time and I’m really starting to miss him.

My company is currently undergoing a review and although I am not worried about my position I am worried about the impact it’s going to have on my stress levels once things do start rolling out. As someone who has been a part in pulling together I’m not going to be the most popular person around. In the past this wouldn’t bother me but it just seems like another thing that I don’t want to have to deal with.

Friday will be the day I hand in the notice to my house for the move. I’m dreading that, it’s my ripping off the band aid moment and I am preying that it’s not going to take half my skin off with it. I’m worried that my landlord is going to give me a poor reference and ruin everything. Solo I was a good tenant but when my ex lived with me the police were around a lot. The rent payments were missed on a number of occasions, although I paid it all back I can’t help but feel that something is going to go wrong.

I have lost my motivation to start sorting things around the house. I spent the last two days off just avoiding even starting anything. To make matters worse I opened the door to my old housemate room and the place was in a state. So I did what any mature person would do.

I sat on the floor and cried.

I know I am fretting over things outside of my control and I am seeing the worst case scenario in all of these things but I can’t help feeling everything is out of my control… and not being in control scares the crap out of me.

Being honest with myself.

Firstly sorry to anyone who has been following my blog, I know I just fell off the face of the earth but I did that stupid hermit thing to do when I find that life is getting too much for me and his away.

I’m going to give you all a brief rundown about what has been going on and then perhaps once I feel more comfortable I will elaborate a little further on some points, in particular my birthday which still makes me feel sick when I think back about it.

So here it goes…. I will warn you this is a long one.

Work

As I have mentioned in past posts my work has been a little difficult. As someone who is a roll your sleeves up kinda gal I have found myself getting extremely overwhelmed with the number of issues and mistakes that I have had to deal with. My boss who I have been having issues with has made a whooping turd of a mistake and for the past month has been off “sick”. Although him being away has been somewhat of a holiday (not having to deal with him is a dream) I have been left with a mess to clean up, it’s become mentally, physically and at some points emotionally draining.

Home

I have had to make the decision to find somewhere else to live. My housemate packed up and left with just five days notice, he claimed that he found my dating difficult to deal with and needed his own space. Now I’m not sure how my dating has had such an impact on him, he made it sound like I have some sort of revolving bloody bedroom door, what makes it even more baffling is I haven’t had anyone round when he has been in the house?!

Anyway this decision has resulted in me realising that I can’t actually afford they rent on the place on my own. I went out house seeking and found the perfect flat, it’s a dream but there was one problem….

My ex

Now I have touched on the history of my ex, one thing I skated around was the financial mess he left me in. He pushed me into bankruptcy. Now if you have ever experienced trying to find a property with a low credit score you will have half an idea how difficult it is. So I found my dream flat, but was told I needed to pay 12 months up front. Seriously?! 12 months? If I had that laying around in the bank then I would have enough for a deposit on a place (granted I wouldn’t be able to get a mortgage but hey let me rant on this one!).

Where is my ex after all this? Well he has himself a nice little council house because he is unemployed and has anxiety issues…. I’m trying not to sound bitter and twisted about this but it makes my shit itch!

So I watched my dream flat crumble in front of my eyes and I realised that I was stranded. Stranded in a house that frankly I hate, it’s haunted with the memory of my ex and owned by a landlord who keeps putting up.

I felt sick, I was depressed and to make matters worse…. I was told all of this on my birthday…. my 30th birthday.

Happy birthday to me….

So this is where it gets a little more difficult for me to write.

My birthday was the worst day of my life for a few reasons….

• My family did nothing… My brother actually asked me to babysit over my birthday weekend so he could attend a polish easter party. This is the brother who two years ago I organised a surprise 30th party and flew our parents over to attend.
• My friends did nothing, with exception to my work wife who was actually due on my birthday I didn’t see nor hear from anybody of them on the weekend or on my actual birthday.
• I had to work and spent the day pretending that I had an amazing weekend.
• The estate agent told me about the deposit requirement telling me I needed to let them know what I was going to do by 10am the following day.

I was riddled with self pity and I let my dark thoughts consume me.

I spent the night of my 30th birthday alone with a bottle of wine and a cocktail of pills and then the following morning in he hospital after just by chance my housemate came by as he had left his laptop charger.

I want to assure you all that I am ok, I know now that it was stupid of me to even consider trying to kill myself but at the time I felt like it was the only way to release myself from everything, the stress, the loneliness and the scars left behind by my ex that I pick at until all those horrible things he used to say to me bleed back into my mind and I start to once again believe that I am just a waste of time, space and oxygen.

I know I am not, the following day when I looked at myself in the mirror I reminded myself that.

I’ve dusted myself off and decided that this, my 30th year on this Earth is going to be different. For once I was going to face my personal issues head on and screw how it made other people feel or react.

That was a week ago… a lot can happen in a week.

• I told my family they were assholes. I didn’t tell them about my hospital visit as I didn’t think it was appropriate and honestly the fact they didn’t bother with me on my birthday wasn’t the reason for me doing what I did. Yes it played a small part but I don’t want them feeling like it was their fault.
• I told my friends they were assholes too. Yep I straight out called them and asked why I hadn’t heard from them and I told them I was upset and hurt by it. Again I didn’t tell them about the hospital… for the same reasons.
• My housemate I am yet to speak to. He has been avoiding me. I don’t blame him but I have messaged him to tell that it wasn’t his fault and have asked to meet him to explain in person, and to thank him.
• I have a meeting with the CEO to discuss my workload, wages and lack of support.
• I called the agents and asked to speak to the landlord. I sat down in the estate agents office and told a complete stranger about my ex and how I have spent the past few years trying to rebuild my life and then asked if he could help a stranger out and asked if I could pay three months in advance. He agreed.

So my moment of weakness has turned into my week of greatest strength.

Now some of you may be wondering where Captain America has been in all of this. We are still seeing one another but I haven’t told him about any of this.

He was the only person who did anything for me to celebrate my birthday, due to his work he couldn’t do anything on the day but the following weekend he treated me to a meal out.

We haven’t had “the conversation” but honestly I don’t think we need to…

Thinking with my vagina…

My week has been awful!

Dating has taken a back step as my worklife has become nothing sort of horrific!

Last week I offered a job now having never considered moving jobs before this took me by surprise. This new job would involve moving back to mainland Europe, which isn’t ideal but it made me take a step back to evaluate my life and consider what I wanted from my career and social life.

Deciding that I want more from my job I thought I would take the time to bring it up to HR. I don’t want to leave the company but I sure as hell don’t want to be in the same position with the same salary this time next year. I’m a pretty work driven person and I thrive under pressure so when things become a routine I kinda get restless.

Explaining this to HR it was decided we would talk to my boss… well I have always suspected that he has been holding me back a bit but the conversation I witnessed with my boss and HR was nothing short of horrifying. He was angry that the thought of me even moving up was considered. Now most would think that perhaps he must have a point.. I can tell you for sure I run circles around this guy and regularly save his ass when he or one of his team screw up. I take late night calls, pick up other people’s slack, work overtime (unpaid), cover shifts, manage staffing issues, I’m a fucking godsend.. he should be kissing my ass not dragging it down.

This conversation took place on Monday my boss finally spoke to me again today (Thursday)… yep he sulked that I dare speak to HR about developing my role and improving my life and income. Has he spoken to me about it…. nope. Will I bring it up with him… damn straight when I get the cockwomble alone in a room again!

It then made me realize, at work I am such a strong and demanding person. I don’t suffer fools lightly, I can have difficult conversations with ease and speaking my mind comes as easy as breathing. So why can’t I apply this to my life outside of work? More to the point why can’t I be so confident in my dating life?

Things have whittled down to me only speaking to Copper and Captain America. I lost all energy of dealing with people on the Monday after the run in with my boss and I needed time to focus on me… not just my vagina!

The Professor seems to of ghosted me, his loss! Sparky is still looking for his balls after our cancelled date and the other…. meh!

So my week has been crappy, I’ve not helped matters by allowing myself to wallow in a mixture of rage and self pity towards work. The men in my life haven’t had a look in, I mean what’s the point if I won’t be in the country any longer?!

Until, yep… guessed it! Captain America has lured me out of my mood and enticing me into his bedroom… let’s face it, if this guy says “jump” I say “how high, what shoes and can I land on your penis?!” I have lost my sense of self control and am now being lead solely by my vagina and the thought of CA’s penis!

Work can go screw itself.. life can be wait, my vagina needs some attention.

To be continued…