The Body for a uniform?

I’m feeling all over the place at the moment. I’ve hit the snooze button on any further matches. I forgot how exhausting having the same conversations with people can get. I’m still pretty annoyed with the disappearing act from these guys I arranged dates with. I also started feeling paranoid that they had seen me out and thought “screw that”.

It’s actually making me anxious about leaving the house without my hair and make up done. With my dog I often throw on a hoodie and joggers when taking him out, my hair is scraped back and barely brushed and recently my skin has been looking a bit grey. I’m assuming that’s from my recent sickness and the added stress from work (and the departure of Captain America). But let’s just say I hardly look my best.

Does online dating mean I have to be “at my best” all the time? I live right in town so there’s no avoiding people plus I don’t have the energy to do that shit every day. I have two “looks” one is with makeup and the second is without. You will tend to find me in the latter.

Anyway enough about my wallowing, it’s time for a flash briefing in what’s going on….

Perito had been messaging me chasing me for a follow up date and we had the “Im just not that into you” talk. He was great and we have agreed to remain as friends. He’s been pretty consistent with the messages since and it’s nice to see that he does want to remain friends.

Pizza boy has pissed me off and he’s now blocked. His messages were getting annoying, he kept asking to come round to my place or when I said I was out with friends he would ask for photos and then ask why wasn’t he invited. At first I took it as a joke but he really wouldn’t let up with it and I was getting the impression that he was arrogant and possibly that he might be aggressive. Anyway there was a huge red flag and I couldn’t ignore it.

The Body we are meeting tomorrow. He’s great at staying in touch and I get the usual “good morning” messages, he checks up with me during the day to see how things are going and I get wishes of good night when he heads to bed. Not only is he a super sweet he’s also a bloody sculpted sex Adonis… I mean his body actually makes me salivate!

The Body and I have arranged and cancelled 5 dates now, something just keeps coming up and it was getting to the point I felt like perhaps fate was not on our side. He must of been feeling the same too as he messaged me today saying he had scheduled things in his diary so he could leave work early so not to be late or have to cancel. I sent a jokey reply saying how I wish my company would pay attention to me when I did things like that, he replied saying as a partner people had to listen to him.

Perhaps I am being over picky but that reply really annoyed me. I doubt he meant in in the context I read it but for me it came across a tad Wanky.

I should point out that we haven’t actually had the “so what do you do for work talk”. I hate that conversation. My job is so unique that people can easily work out where I work by me answering what I do so I tend to dumb it down to a more generic answer. That I turn makes me sound boring, but as it’s one of the top asked questions So I keep the topic away from work as much as I can. The less I ask them about their job the less they ask me…

This new revelation has given me doubts about him. How can someone who I click with that well with, look like that and also be so well positioned career wise? I feel like I’m possibly being catfished or… you guys are going to get one hell of a funny post about some weird and wonderful thing this guy does… otherwise he might just be too hot to be true.

Maybe I’m once again over thinking things. But then… remember The Vegan? What a beautiful creature but such an arrogant cockwomble! So I’m coming from a place of experience!

I’ve realised I have told you very little about The Body with the exception that he’s got a god like body! So I drafted up a couple of pros and cons…

The positives…

1. He lives one town over from me, so no long ass commutes to see each other.
2. He’s funny and gets my humor.
3. He goes to the gym and has encouraged me to join him but not in a gym boff type of way.
4. He’s more dine than wine so would be a positive influence on my nights out.
5. He’s bloody hot!

The negatives…

1. He’s bragged about his work.
2. He may not get on with some of my friends.
3. I don’t get why he’s still single.
4. His messages have started to become more sexual (I will hold my hands up slightly to say I have slightly encouraged it at times)
5. He’s not Captain America.

Anyway we will see tomorrow… I mean I’m in his calendar now!

This brings me onto Captain America obviously I can’t just switch off my feelings to the point I’m having second thoughts about dating in general. I’m guessing because I do actually really like The Body and if I meet him tomorrow and find that I like him like him then I am going to find myself in a sticky situation…. and I will likely bore you guys to tears with it!

Just another cat in a box…

So from my last post you will be able to tell roughly where I have been mentally for the past few weeks.

That night where he told me his pending deployment all I could think about was what did that mean for us. I was (and still am) so angry at the situation. It seems when life gives me an inch it will take back a mile. I felt like I was being punished for my whore like approach to dealing with things… that I am being penalised for not having the gonads to be open about my feelings.

I resolved myself to understanding that this is not something that I can control, there was no way of changing what was coming our way so I decided to just suck it up and make the most of things.

I wanted to try and experience all those kinky things we had talked about in the bedroom. I spent a lot… I mean a shocking amount of money on sex toys from lovehoney! ( I might post some reviews of them soon!)

I wanted our time to be special, I wanted to drink up the little time I had with him.

Yeah we got to use the toys I bought, but gone were the days out exploring, I couldn’t remember the last time we went out for dinner… I started to feel used. A feeling that I still have now.

I’m trying not to be mad, I’m really trying not to take the whole thing personal, he’s having to uproot his whole life, sell his things, put stuff into the storage… I’m trying not to be selfish but I feel like he’s already pushed me away… I felt like he had already gone!

I’ve hidden this from CA. It would be selfish of me to force my feelings on him, he’s opted to distance himself from me for a reason and I need to respect that. I mean he’s hardly moving to the Costa del Sol, he’s going to a war zone. I’d be a bitch to demand his time when he has so much on. But then I feel like I deserved better than what I got.

I tried to offer my help with the move, I thought it would be a good way to spend time together, hell i even offered to clean…. clean?! I don’t even clean my own place I have a cleaner because I hate it with a passion! But he just ignored it, like literally ignored the offer. I think he might of thought I was being sarcastic… he struggles with my “British sarcasm” so that wouldn’t be a far fetched excuse… but who am I kidding he ignored it. He didn’t want me around.

Yesterday (when I wrote this) was his last full day in the UK. I had to work, I tried to juggle things so we could spend the time together but I’m starting to think that even if I had managed to get the time off I probably wouldn’t of seen him anyway. When he messaged me asking what I was up to tomorrow I told him I would be stuck working until 17:30 but would love to see him afterwards.

He didn’t reply…. I then thought “fuck it” and messaged him saying it didn’t look like we would be seeing one another before he goes. I was hoping this would of spurred him into sorting out something…. no he eventually replied saying he didn’t think so either. I was sad but again I could understand, that was until he messaged me today on his way to the airport, he mentioned he had finished work at 4pm yesterday… I wanted to ask why hadn’t he arranged to see me but I didn’t want to know the answer… just another cat in a box.

So I cried … I cried at work when I was alone in the office, I cried when walking my dog, I cried at an advert on TV, I even cried when reading some posts on your blogs. I’m not a cryer normally.

I’ve never felt true heartbreak, my ex was cruel I was numb to the feelings I used to have for him. When we broke up any tears I did shed where that of relief. All my other ex’s have remained as friends and it was a platonic split.. this feels like I’ve lost my insides.

Did he ever really care?

Continual WTF mindset!

Ok so we all know April was a load of depressing bollox you would think I would be over the moon to see the start of May!

God moving is stressful, I have found myself on the verge of a panic attack multiple times a day. My assistant at work is loosing her mind with the worry that I am loosing my mind, my boss well… he hasn’t got a mind to loose but his support has been the equivalent to that of a chocolate teapot.

The phrase only “x” amount of days to go has become my personal mantra. I haven’t gone as far to locking myself in a dark room to rock back and forth but hey.. there are 27 days to let that happen!

So yes house is a mess, work is a mess and Captain America is still in America… it’s all so sucky!

There have been some up points… one I will be posting about shortly as it’s an evening worthy of its own post!

The other is CA’s contract is going nowhere! I get to keep my sex machine although my fears of my vagina sealing up and me forgetting how to actually have sex are still pretty big concerns the knowledge that he isn’t going to be leaving has certainly put a smile on my face.

The time zones are still screwing with our communications, I’m heading to be while he is coming home from work and he is heading to or is already in bed when I am getting up. I miss him and he is very open in telling me that he misses me too.

The topic of my move came up… ok I am bitching about I at any given opportunity, no one is safe and even that big ass ocean is not enough to save dear ole CA from my rants! But if he can’t love me at my Lindsey Logan he doesn’t deserve me at my Beyoncé! Last night he messaged me saying when he got back he wanted to “pseudo” live with me… in fact he has been as subtle as a cactus in a nuns knickers about the whole living situation.

Is he going to move in… no. Sure he is welcome to come and stay as much as he likes but living together when only a few weeks ago I was boring you all to tears with my continual ramblings of “WTF are we?!” And now here I am, still riddled with the “WTF” mindset but this time I am wondering how things managed to move so quickly?!

I just can’t wait for him to get back…for the sake of my vagina more than anything!

Learning to deal with it…

I’m having a hard time right now, I feel like I’m in complete limbo with everything.

I’m trying to heed my own advise to Captain America and just wait and see what happens with his work but I just can’t help feeling that it’s not going to be what I want to hear. Although we only saw one another once or twice a week, we would chat a lot in the evening, the time difference combined with the fact he can’t have his mobile at work means we have a tiny window of time and I’m really starting to miss him.

My company is currently undergoing a review and although I am not worried about my position I am worried about the impact it’s going to have on my stress levels once things do start rolling out. As someone who has been a part in pulling together I’m not going to be the most popular person around. In the past this wouldn’t bother me but it just seems like another thing that I don’t want to have to deal with.

Friday will be the day I hand in the notice to my house for the move. I’m dreading that, it’s my ripping off the band aid moment and I am preying that it’s not going to take half my skin off with it. I’m worried that my landlord is going to give me a poor reference and ruin everything. Solo I was a good tenant but when my ex lived with me the police were around a lot. The rent payments were missed on a number of occasions, although I paid it all back I can’t help but feel that something is going to go wrong.

I have lost my motivation to start sorting things around the house. I spent the last two days off just avoiding even starting anything. To make matters worse I opened the door to my old housemate room and the place was in a state. So I did what any mature person would do.

I sat on the floor and cried.

I know I am fretting over things outside of my control and I am seeing the worst case scenario in all of these things but I can’t help feeling everything is out of my control… and not being in control scares the crap out of me.